The four

There is a part in all of us that wants and longs to be understood, it just depends on the depth in that moment.
A need and desire to be accepted and supported, it just depends on the depth in that moment.
An ache to be loved, cared about and cared for, it just depends on the depth in that moment.

The depth changes and morphs though the seasons. A child that looks for guidance and craves love. A teenager that feels deeper than ever before, desperately wanting to be known. An adult holding so much on their shoulders, just aching to be supported by someone simply walking alongside them. Knowing they can do it alone, but relieved to know that they don’t have to.

Through our ages and seasons:
Understood
Accepted
Supported
Loved

They are all things that are feelings. They are also things that are choices. They are gifts. They are things we cannot teach through surface disposable words, but are taught through meaningful actions.

Kindness is the postage to deliver all four.

Some people might think that these are things to be earned, so they pick and choose to give to who they feel deserve them.
They miss the small fact that these are all a human need and shouldn’t need to be earned. They should be freely given.

It could be as simple as listening to someone, standing alongside them or a small act to show them love. It doesn’t have to be this huge moment, it can be simply standing in the gap for someone. Making them feel important enough to be cared about.

So as you walk through your day, your week, your year think….what is something small I can do to make someone feel:
Understood
Accepted
Supported
Loved
And do that as often as possible.

“My wife’s the reason anything gets done.
She nudges me towards promise by degrees.
She is a perfect symphony of one, our son is her most beautiful reprise.
We chase the melodies that seem to find us
until they’re finished songs and start to play.
When senseless acts of tragedy remind us
that nothing here is promised, not one day.
This show is proof that history remembers.
We live through times when hate and fear seem stronger.
We rise and fall and light from dying embers.
Remembrances that hope and love live longer.
And love is love is love is love is love is love is love cannot be killed or swept aside.
As sacred as a symphony, Eliza tells her story and fills the world with music love and pride.”
-Lin-Manuel Miranda

Kindness is free

Is it because I’m getting older, less patient or have I just met the end of my tolerance rope? This is a question I’ve been asking myself more and more.  

Being an empathetic person in a mostly harsh world I always feel the need to check in with others, in a odd way making sure I’m not coming across overly sensitive. I’m a deep feeler and I care about how others feel and that’s something that as I grow older I feel more frustrated. 

I wish people would think more about how their words can have an impact others and actually care about that fact. 

Two things come to my mind when I think about words and people. They are both things that I learned in my later 20’s and things I truly wish others would think on more often. 

1) Should, going to and will. 
I learned through therapy that these control words. Telling someone they “should” or “will” or “are going to do” something removes their ownership and control. Whether meant to or not it can make the other person feel as if they don’t have a choice or it may make them feel pressured to do one thing or another. See if you notice in conversations how often these are used. Maybe adopt “could”, “can” or “might”

2) Energy and presence.
I know the media in the last year or so people are offended a lot of the time. I do not mean that we need to be hyper aware of everything we say however, I sometimes wonder if people realize how they come across. I work in a customer service job in a wealthier town and let me tell ya multiple times a day I’m talked down to. Customers, coworkers, teenagers, soccer moms with bob haircuts, ladies with tiny dogs in handbags. You feel the change in the air and their presence changes the feeling in the room. I wish people would be more mindful of the energy they bring into the space. 

I guess this is my long way of saying “If you can pause and choose…choose to be kind.” Maybe when you find a customer service person annoying or think you could magically do their job SO much better, pause. If you heard someone talking to your child or a loved one the way that you are talking to this person would you be upset? If yes, change. 

Be kind to one another. 

Top natural favorites

I’ve always been a fan of more natural products. But for a long time wasn’t a fan of the scents more natural things came in. 

Ever since I started using the subscription site Grove I’m officially hooked. If you’d like to try them out for yourself feel free to use my referral code and get $10 off your first order. You only need $15 worth to set an order so it’s a pretty risk free try if you ask me. 98% of my natural favorites are things I tried off of the grove website. https://www.grove.co/referrer/3253638/

All things body care! I’ve always been a fan of coconut and both of these Method body washes have great not overly tropical coconut scent. Not Your Mothers Naturals repair and protect has an amazing scent!! Hard to describe but a perfect blend of fruity, sweet and a little flower. 

Keeping in the bathroom theme, let us move to how I keep it clean. I love cleaning with Method’s  Spearmint scent. It’s not overwhelming and it’s so nice to know it’s clean without using such a harsh chemical like bleach. 

With what I sometimes feel is the most sensitive skin, most laundry detergents are too hard on my skin causing it to break out. I took a leap of faith and couldn’t be happier. The Ginger Orange scent is just enough and not overly fruity. 

Maybe it’s my slight OCD or maybe the scents are just that amazing!! I love washing dishes with the Basil scent from Mrs Meyer’s. I spray my counter tops with some Caldrea Seasalt Neroli spray at the end of the night after dinner and it leaves the kitchen smelling great! 

I saved my favorite for last. Caldrea Pear Blossom Agave linen and room spray. I won’t lie, I totally keep a bottle in my car instead of an air freshener. I would have this scent in everything if I could. My guy has started making jokes because I’ll do a walk through of the apartment spraying things from the couch, to the shower curtain, to the bed and rugs. Little does he know I also spray in the closests on jackets, shoes and other things. Some might think I’m a woman that must be stopped!! 🙂 

Cleaning with products that are better for the environment, our health and ones that have great scents make cleaning more enjoyable. 

Resolutions & Favorites

Hey everyone! It’s a new year and you know what that means.. resolutions. I think the goals I’ve decided on this year are more realistic. I have cut myself some slack outta the gate in hopes that I won’t feel overwhelmed and I will feel more encouraged as I go.

Drink more water
Find a good church
Write and blog more
Pay down/off debt
Sing more
Go to at least two musicals
Read five books
More quality friend time
Two ten minute YouTube workouts a week
Spiritual, mental & physical self care

This year I want to be better about my self care. Taking breaks and staying in when I need to. Also I need to be better about the media I consume. I have noticed that positive media and music make a huge difference in my mindset.
If I don’t adjust and sometimes sensor my media toxic feelings creep in slowly. I need to work on self comparison. In this day and age almost everyone edits their reality. Comparing my everyday grind to other people’s polished highlights is just me setting myself up for failure and disappointment. I have finally learned that my media is mine and its adjustable.

I also wanted to share some positive favorites I’m starting the new year with.

Favorite Drink
I’ve been making coffee at home and found my favorite combination. Here’s my recipe if you wanna try it out.
Chilled toddy chai
2oz of chameleon cold brew
6oz of Original Oregon chai tea
4oz of 2% milk.

Some incredible songs that have brought me joy are:
“I will be confident” By Steven Furtick 
“Rewrite the stars”
“A million dreams”
“This is me”
All from the Greatest Showman
“Warrior” by Hannah Kerr
“Fullness”
“Do it again”
Both by Elevation Worship

Product(s)
Grove collaborative
Let me tell you about how awesome I think this company is.
So as a minor clean freak (friends are laughing now) I happily clicked away on this site looking at all of the household cleaning products, personal care, baby care and other awesome things. Not only are there a good amount of scents to pick from but most all of the products are between 15-20% off what you would spend at your normal Target or Walmart.

Being a chick with a sensitive body I like to go as natural with my products as possible to make my skin happy. I love the fact that Grove partners with all natural companies and it’s nice to know that no matter what I buy from them it’s safe for my picky skin.
So I signed up and got a 60 day VIP trial giving me a gift set worth $37 and shipping for free. I love the fact that if I don’t want to be a VIP shipping is just $2.99 with any size order.

I can go on click and adjust my order to what I need that month or I can skip a month if I’m all set. It was a great help in inspiring me to keep things clean and made me want to declutter my space.

I love what they stand for and thought I’d pass along my find to y’all since it’s a big favorite this month.
If you’d like to try it out you can use my referral link and you’ll get $10.00 off your first order:)
https://www.grove.co/referrer/3253638/

Favorite Bible verse
Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
– 1 Peter 4:8

Love after the pain

She’s imperfect, but she tries.
I never knew the hold they had on me…
The scar they left I always laughed them off. Humor helped. Humor, sarcasm and jokes laugh so hard at the truth you don’t see the pain underneath.  

These scars show you where I’ve been. 
I never understood why it was so painful to me when someone would reject me. It didn’t matter if it was something small or a huge breakup, it all felt intensely triggering to me. When someone rejects you when you’re young it holds a greater impact than I think people believe. Friends, family, significant others. All I wanted, needed and searched for was acceptance and support. I just wanted to be enough. They could be hurting you because they hurt in some way or by someone, but that doesn’t change the scar they leave you with and the impact that follows. They manipulate you, your emotions or the situation… I wish they knew what that abuse does over time to your heart. 

I searched in love bracing myself when things got too good, because someone a long time ago taught me with their actions that if the good is lasting then the ball drops soon. An insult, hurtful words, left in insulation. Then the ball of disappointment and pain drops, you saw it coming but it still leaves you in shock. The ball leaves but the damage sets in and you can’t stand the wreckage so you clean up the mess they left you in and use it to build a wall. 

The wall is built of “t’s” little and big Triggers. It’s a tone, a look, a joke, a song, a smell, a name or a neighborhood and it instantly flashes you right back head first SMACK! Into the wall of triggers….

geez why can’t she just take a joke…

God why am I still not over this. 

Their rejection made you feel small then and it instantly makes you feel small all over again. You may be older and wiser but the pain is just as intense as the very first time.   

Some say love is a feeling but I think love is truth. Truth and a choice. 

I think they thought they loved me and one thought he needed to love me but couldn’t. A good friend pointed it out one day and looking back it made everything click.
“I asked you what you love about her, all you’ve said are things that you love that she brings out in you.” They didn’t love who I was, they loved who I made them.

I didn’t truly see or understand that until someone came into my life and showed me what a relationship should be. His actions of support, his childlike laughter and compassionate heart. He doesn’t push away my weird, he supports it knowing there is a reason underneath. He knows my tears over small things aren’t due to over sensitivity but due to having a big heart. He embraces me somehow knowing what I need when I need it and so honest that I never have to question his intention.

The way he, my parents and those closest to me love, understand and support me in a way that I feel safe again. Scars and triggers still present but I know that I can run into arms and in that embrace the pain will slowly melt away.

Love is truth.

It’s not the best version of a perfectly posed picture posted online. It’s not a perfectly written post about how amazing you think they are and the world needs to know.

Love is in the daily routine. It’s when you laugh together until no sound comes out. It’s when you have a track record of killing plants no matter how hard you try and you bring home something in a pot and you say “don’t worry it’s fake” and he says “I know”.

Love is not proud, it’s humble.
Love is a choice.

Love is a choice daily to say I love you through it all. Your snoring, my struggle through my own imperfections, jobs, family, money or lack there of, sadness and days when dinner went weird and tacobell saves the night.

Do small things with great love. 

December Christmas favorites

December Christmas favorites

Favorite drink(s)
Earl gray tea
Sparkling pomegranate apple cider
Iced dirty chai with a toddy shot

Favorite product(s)
Candles and holiday decor

Favorite outing/moment(s)
I loved shopping with my Mom. Being out with Christmas music before the mall got too crazy I love little moments like that with her.

A holiday girls night made my week. Catching up, snacking and laughing with great girls. I always enjoy spending time with them.

Favorite album(s) & song(s)
Both the Pentatonix and Michael Bublé Christmas albums
Lay me down – Sam Smith
You don’t do it for me anymore – Demi Lovato
Straight outta Oz album by Todrick Hall

Favorite quote/lyrics

“I measure my time in cups of tea.”

“And the tapestry here on my skin, Is a map of the victories I win. Look where I’ve been.”– “You’re welcome” by Lin Manuel Miranda

“But the ones who look expensive
Could be broke on the inside”
– “Expensive” by Todrick Hall

Favorite bible verse

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
– 1 Corinthians 13:13

Autumnal changes

As the door shut a familiar loud click of the lock followed. A chapter suddenly ended with no way to return for the badge I had held for five years was taken. 

Mid September sent a shift for several changes at once. A testimony I had given was wrongfully edited and played without my knowledge or approval. Things were taken out of context to paint things untruthfully, specifically incorrect and against what I’ve grown to stand for as a person. I was completely shocked and deeply hurt. Causing me to step away from a church that I trusted and that I felt at home in. Honestly it shook my faith a bit. 

The week following the company I’ve been a part of for the past five years cut ties with it’s biggest contract forcing half of the companies locations to spontaneously begin to close. The information going to the customers in the middle of the day before the girls and caused shock, confusion, phone calls and so many tears all before noon. 

We had less than two weeks to close up and busy doesn’t begin to cover how those last days were. We just had to hold it together through the crazy rushes, constant questions, confrontations, running out of product and running out of time. Unanswered questions, yelling, crying, cussing, pity and adrenaline. That was Tuesday, we still had to survive until 10pm Friday. I’m proud to say my core girls stuck together until the end. 

Since that door closed I got a job that I had to leave and have been physically sick. I think it’s normal to dislike the unknown, but I feel financial unknown adds a different anxiety to the mix. I miss seeing the girls that I’ve become so close to since I’d gotten used to seeing them everyday. So friends I guess what I have to say is I feel a little lost. 
Why is it always that we try and fail our first five plans before we ask or lean on God. I’m a believer that action with prayer can open doors….why is it that it isn’t my first thought when a challenge rises up? 

Though I’m left without some answers I do have: amazingly wonderful people in my life, lessening anxiety and my faith is growing back to its normal state. That is still a good amount of progress. Plus in a week or so I will be Shameless(ly) singing about having Friends in Low Places. 

So I’m starting this chapter over again…
My favorite autumnal season and new life chapter…take two. 

“This is my confidence you’ve never failed me yet.”

September Favorites

Believe it or not it’s already time for September Favorites

Favorite drink
My favorite fall choice and not at all unique…
Pumpkin spice latte (sometimes with white chocolate & nutmeg added)

Favorite “product”
I’ve been holding back on favorite products because I wanted to share some favorites of the same genre. Here are some of my top beauty picks. 
Some key things in beauty products for me are:

– Price (as in not so much that makes me cry)
– Sensitivity (I have oh so very sensitive skin,so it needs to be safe for me to use without problem)
– Cruelty free (meaning they don’t test on animals)
– Scent (I love me some fruity or coconut scented things)

NYX is always a go to for me to try new things because it checks all the boxes and it is always adding new colors which is fun.
Maui Moisture is fantastic because it smells AMAZING & also proudly states:
No mineral oil
No silicones
No parabens
No gluten
No SLS
No sulfated surfactants
No synthetic dye
YES eco-friendly
YES pure coconut water
YES pure aloe juice

Favorite outing/moment
With a lot of spontaneous change and stress, my favorite moments have been the moments of laughter in the crazy days. Also I recently got to finish filling in my color on my arm tattoo. 

Favorite album(s) & song(s)
Too good at goodbyes by Sam Smith
Glorious by Macklemore
God, your mama & me by Florida Georgia line
Body like a backroad by Sam Hunt
There for you by Troye Sivan & Martin Garrix

Favorite quote/lyrics
“Difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations.”

“Once you figure out what respect tastes like, it tastes better than attention.” – Pink

Favorite bible verse
Needed so yes again….

“Perhaps this is the moment for which you have been created” – Esther 4:14

August Favorites

Favorite drink
Iced Americano with white chocolate, caramel sauce and cream

Favorite alcoholic drinks
Mimosa
Captain and coke

Favorite outing/moment
It has been a bit on the warm side for us Washingtonian’s and most of us are sensitive to more intense heat….which is why we picked the land of rain, coffee and boots. There was this sweet moment when there was a break in the heat. The rain fell on the hot pavement washing away the smoke from the Canadian fires leaving us with the soothing sound we love and a scent like no other. With my window open at midnight it was just me with my blue Mason jar, some clean bedsheets and cool rain greeting me like an old friend.

Another favorite moment was getting a promotion at work..well more so what moved me was the sweet support and happy congrats from my closest girls at work.

Favorite album(s) & song(s)
“Run to you” by Lea Michele
“Wonder” by Hillsong United
“Praying” cover by Kurt Hugo Schneider
“Sorry not sorry” by Demi Lovato
“Here in your presence” by Elevation worship

Favorite quote/lyrics
“Your love was handmade for somebody like me.” – Ed Sheeran

“My father told me, son
It’s not his fault he doesn’t know your face
You’re not the only one
Although my grandma used to say
He used to sing

Darlin’ hold me in your arms
The way you did last night
And we’ll lie inside
For a little while here oh

I could look into your eyes
Until the sun comes up
And we’re wrapped in light and life and love.”-Ed Sheeran

Favorite bible verse
Little children, let us not love in word or speech, but in action and in truth. – 1 John 3:18

You Matter

My heart aches when I think too much about how people are in pain.
We don’t wanna talk about it.
We might laugh when we hear people joke.
We might sweep it aside and just tell someone to “cheer up you just need to choose to be happy”. Thinking it’s casual.

Anxiety. Depression. Panic. Loneliness. Bulling. Self harm. Suicide.
We can laugh about it online because it doesn’t feel real or personal. Or do we laugh and joke because it’s too real. Too personal.

Dear one, I know you’ve heard it before and it seems like it’s not true. Though you’re in this dark place there is a brighter season ahead.

My part of the truth to be told…
When I hug him there are moments when I close my eyes and I thank God. I thank that best friend he had then that I don’t know. For without, I would not know him. I would not get to laugh, to smile or share days with him. What if I never got to hear his laugh? I wouldn’t know this kind hearted, deeply loving and incredible person. My heart breaks at the thought that I almost didn’t get a chance to know him.

Dear one, the darkness may seem unchanging. Pain through other’s actions or even your own thoughts may feel like they are never ending. The loneliness you are feeling may feel crippling.
But.
Don’t go.

What if meeting your best friend is around the corner? What if meeting a forever kind of love is only a few years away? What if you’re meant to save someone? What if you’re meant to save yourself? What if you don’t have to feel alone?
You are not alone.
Please Stay.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1-800-273-8255

“i hope you know you’re not the only one who feels the way you feel. You are not the only one who struggles. You are not the only one with questions. You are not crazy. You deserve to be heard, to be known. You deserve love.
You deserve love.

You deserve a place that feels like home. You deserve some hands to hold. Hands to pull you past the broken moments, hands to catch you when you fall. Eyes to see you. To say you’re there, that you exist, that you change a room, that your presence is significant. Ears to hear you – hear your stories, hear you laugh. Ears to hear your questions and to say they matter.

Your questions matter.
Maybe call a friend today or invite someone to coffee. Tell someone they matter or tell someone you could use a conversation. Write a letter or ask someone how they’re doing. Like a song too much. Feel the drums or get lost in the chorus. It means that you’re alive.
It’s good that you’re alive. Who else could play your part?
i hope you get to a place, wake to a day, where that feels true. You deserve to know it’s true.

To Write Love on Her Arms is a community of people with questions and struggles. It is for broken people and it is led by broken people. Life is heavy and light. Life is both. Beauty and pain, aches and dreams… We are saying that it’s okay to talk about those things. We are saying that we need to. We are choosing to believe that stories deserve better endings. That hope is real, that help is real, that people need other people.

You are not alone today. You matter very much.” By Jamie Tworkowski

https://twloha.com/find-help/local-resources/