An apology

I’m sorry. So sorry.

For the times when you were hungry and I didn’t feed you. For those moments when you treat yourself to cake or something unhealthy and feel eyes judging you. When you finish the cake or burger and your heart sinks a bit…when I say why did you do that?

For whispering in your ear “don’t you wish you were the type that could throw up”.

You’ve always been curvy.

I know sometimes when you try on clothes you grab a bigger size, so you can let yourself swim in the fabric and have a small fake victory when you can wear a size smaller.

I’m sorry. So sorry.

For those moments when I see you looking in the mirror and I pick apart everything that’s wrong.

I’m sorry. So sorry.

For those moments when anxiety rips you apart, making negative mountains out of every “failure”.

For taking taking every insecurity that you have and throwing it in your face, kicking the anxiety up a notch to a panic attack.

I’m sorry. So sorry.

For sometimes holding joy away from you.

For those moments when you’ve given all you have and instead of handing you peace or joy, I had you a list of all the things you didn’t do.

For keeping you up at night.

For whispering in your ear when someone is cruel or wrong to you that you must have done something wrong.

I’m sorry. So sorry.

For apologizing over and over to others…while in doing so I’m making you feel smaller and smaller.

For not telling you that you matter more often.

For not giving you time to heal.

For judging you.

For putting everyone else above you.

For not telling you all of your positive qualities more often.

For telling you that the bad things that have happened to you are because you’re not enough.

For not celebrating your victories more.

For not telling you that I love you more.

I’m sorry. So sorry.

I’m sorry self. So sorry.

I will let you be imperfect.

I will let you find joy again and again.

I will treat you better.

I will love you more.

I will celebrate you more.

I will let you speak up more.

I will help you. I will do better.

I will treat you as good as I treat other people.

I will cut you some slack.

I will try and stop picking you apart.

I will remind you to not give a shit about what the world thinks about you.

I will invest and be active in my self care.

And it starts in this letter to myself.

The questions you left behind

“Cuz what if everyone saw?
What if everyone knew?”
You’ve heard “you’re not alone” but you don’t feel the support or peace.

You’ve heard “the sun will rise” but right now you can’t see the end of the darkness.

So fogged by the intense amount of crushing pain, your mind won’t stop as endless questions stack up without answers to clear them….the weight continues.

You don’t see the end where the story gets good again and the carefree happy song plays in the background assuring you that all is now well.

All your “what if” questions and your “why” questions. You ask “how do I make this all go away?” You’ve reached out for help and it partly gets you by but it doesn’t feel like enough.

So to shut out your crushing questions and to shut out the never ending voice, you plan. You justify. You plan because it FEELS like a resolution. It gives you an inauthentic peace because you forgot what real peace feels like. The peace you craved and didn’t believe you could find or get. The numbness fakes peace. So one last time you’ll feel again but only under your control….

Maybe you thought about who you were leaving behind. Maybe you thought about what they would think, do or feel once you were gone. Maybe that’s the only way you felt important again. Maybe in your fog you couldn’t imagine any pain other than the weight of your own.

It may feel like fake wanna be words but you were NOT alone. So many people have felt the way you did. So many people that cared and loved. So many that would have done anything to help you. If you would have said something. If we would have known.

The questions that weighed you didn’t stop…they morphed into new questions that you left for us.

I can answer a few questions.

You were loved. Your smile brought a smile even though your dog always barked at me. Your life had more meaning than you ever thought. You’re thought of. You will be missed.

Dear ones,
You matter so much to more people than you will ever be able to comprehend. There is help. There is a light and the darkness can end EVEN when it feels like there’s no possible way. You will be found again. You are loved.

24 hour suicide hotline 1-800-273-8255

https://twloha.com/find-help/local-resources/

You Matter

My heart aches when I think too much about how people are in pain.
We don’t wanna talk about it.
We might laugh when we hear people joke.
We might sweep it aside and just tell someone to “cheer up you just need to choose to be happy”. Thinking it’s casual.

Anxiety. Depression. Panic. Loneliness. Bulling. Self harm. Suicide.
We can laugh about it online because it doesn’t feel real or personal. Or do we laugh and joke because it’s too real. Too personal.

Dear one, I know you’ve heard it before and it seems like it’s not true. Though you’re in this dark place there is a brighter season ahead.

My part of the truth to be told…
When I hug him there are moments when I close my eyes and I thank God. I thank that best friend he had then that I don’t know. For without, I would not know him. I would not get to laugh, to smile or share days with him. What if I never got to hear his laugh? I wouldn’t know this kind hearted, deeply loving and incredible person. My heart breaks at the thought that I almost didn’t get a chance to know him.

Dear one, the darkness may seem unchanging. Pain through other’s actions or even your own thoughts may feel like they are never ending. The loneliness you are feeling may feel crippling.
But.
Don’t go.

What if meeting your best friend is around the corner? What if meeting a forever kind of love is only a few years away? What if you’re meant to save someone? What if you’re meant to save yourself? What if you don’t have to feel alone?
You are not alone.
Please Stay.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1-800-273-8255

“i hope you know you’re not the only one who feels the way you feel. You are not the only one who struggles. You are not the only one with questions. You are not crazy. You deserve to be heard, to be known. You deserve love.
You deserve love.

You deserve a place that feels like home. You deserve some hands to hold. Hands to pull you past the broken moments, hands to catch you when you fall. Eyes to see you. To say you’re there, that you exist, that you change a room, that your presence is significant. Ears to hear you – hear your stories, hear you laugh. Ears to hear your questions and to say they matter.

Your questions matter.
Maybe call a friend today or invite someone to coffee. Tell someone they matter or tell someone you could use a conversation. Write a letter or ask someone how they’re doing. Like a song too much. Feel the drums or get lost in the chorus. It means that you’re alive.
It’s good that you’re alive. Who else could play your part?
i hope you get to a place, wake to a day, where that feels true. You deserve to know it’s true.

To Write Love on Her Arms is a community of people with questions and struggles. It is for broken people and it is led by broken people. Life is heavy and light. Life is both. Beauty and pain, aches and dreams… We are saying that it’s okay to talk about those things. We are saying that we need to. We are choosing to believe that stories deserve better endings. That hope is real, that help is real, that people need other people.

You are not alone today. You matter very much.” By Jamie Tworkowski

https://twloha.com/find-help/local-resources/