An apology

I’m sorry. So sorry.

For the times when you were hungry and I didn’t feed you. For those moments when you treat yourself to cake or something unhealthy and feel eyes judging you. When you finish the cake or burger and your heart sinks a bit…when I say why did you do that?

For whispering in your ear “don’t you wish you were the type that could throw up”.

You’ve always been curvy.

I know sometimes when you try on clothes you grab a bigger size, so you can let yourself swim in the fabric and have a small fake victory when you can wear a size smaller.

I’m sorry. So sorry.

For those moments when I see you looking in the mirror and I pick apart everything that’s wrong.

I’m sorry. So sorry.

For those moments when anxiety rips you apart, making negative mountains out of every “failure”.

For taking taking every insecurity that you have and throwing it in your face, kicking the anxiety up a notch to a panic attack.

I’m sorry. So sorry.

For sometimes holding joy away from you.

For those moments when you’ve given all you have and instead of handing you peace or joy, I had you a list of all the things you didn’t do.

For keeping you up at night.

For whispering in your ear when someone is cruel or wrong to you that you must have done something wrong.

I’m sorry. So sorry.

For apologizing over and over to others…while in doing so I’m making you feel smaller and smaller.

For not telling you that you matter more often.

For not giving you time to heal.

For judging you.

For putting everyone else above you.

For not telling you all of your positive qualities more often.

For telling you that the bad things that have happened to you are because you’re not enough.

For not celebrating your victories more.

For not telling you that I love you more.

I’m sorry. So sorry.

I’m sorry self. So sorry.

I will let you be imperfect.

I will let you find joy again and again.

I will treat you better.

I will love you more.

I will celebrate you more.

I will let you speak up more.

I will help you. I will do better.

I will treat you as good as I treat other people.

I will cut you some slack.

I will try and stop picking you apart.

I will remind you to not give a shit about what the world thinks about you.

I will invest and be active in my self care.

And it starts in this letter to myself.

Love after the pain

She’s imperfect, but she tries.
I never knew the hold they had on me…
The scar they left I always laughed them off. Humor helped. Humor, sarcasm and jokes laugh so hard at the truth you don’t see the pain underneath.  

These scars show you where I’ve been. 
I never understood why it was so painful to me when someone would reject me. It didn’t matter if it was something small or a huge breakup, it all felt intensely triggering to me. When someone rejects you when you’re young it holds a greater impact than I think people believe. Friends, family, significant others. All I wanted, needed and searched for was acceptance and support. I just wanted to be enough. They could be hurting you because they hurt in some way or by someone, but that doesn’t change the scar they leave you with and the impact that follows. They manipulate you, your emotions or the situation… I wish they knew what that abuse does over time to your heart. 

I searched in love bracing myself when things got too good, because someone a long time ago taught me with their actions that if the good is lasting then the ball drops soon. An insult, hurtful words, left in insulation. Then the ball of disappointment and pain drops, you saw it coming but it still leaves you in shock. The ball leaves but the damage sets in and you can’t stand the wreckage so you clean up the mess they left you in and use it to build a wall. 

The wall is built of “t’s” little and big Triggers. It’s a tone, a look, a joke, a song, a smell, a name or a neighborhood and it instantly flashes you right back head first SMACK! Into the wall of triggers….

geez why can’t she just take a joke…

God why am I still not over this. 

Their rejection made you feel small then and it instantly makes you feel small all over again. You may be older and wiser but the pain is just as intense as the very first time.   

Some say love is a feeling but I think love is truth. Truth and a choice. 

I think they thought they loved me and one thought he needed to love me but couldn’t. A good friend pointed it out one day and looking back it made everything click.
“I asked you what you love about her, all you’ve said are things that you love that she brings out in you.” They didn’t love who I was, they loved who I made them.

I didn’t truly see or understand that until someone came into my life and showed me what a relationship should be. His actions of support, his childlike laughter and compassionate heart. He doesn’t push away my weird, he supports it knowing there is a reason underneath. He knows my tears over small things aren’t due to over sensitivity but due to having a big heart. He embraces me somehow knowing what I need when I need it and so honest that I never have to question his intention.

The way he, my parents and those closest to me love, understand and support me in a way that I feel safe again. Scars and triggers still present but I know that I can run into arms and in that embrace the pain will slowly melt away.

Love is truth.

It’s not the best version of a perfectly posed picture posted online. It’s not a perfectly written post about how amazing you think they are and the world needs to know.

Love is in the daily routine. It’s when you laugh together until no sound comes out. It’s when you have a track record of killing plants no matter how hard you try and you bring home something in a pot and you say “don’t worry it’s fake” and he says “I know”.

Love is not proud, it’s humble.
Love is a choice.

Love is a choice daily to say I love you through it all. Your snoring, my struggle through my own imperfections, jobs, family, money or lack there of, sadness and days when dinner went weird and tacobell saves the night.

Do small things with great love. 

Autumnal changes

As the door shut a familiar loud click of the lock followed. A chapter suddenly ended with no way to return for the badge I had held for five years was taken. 

Mid September sent a shift for several changes at once. A testimony I had given was wrongfully edited and played without my knowledge or approval. Things were taken out of context to paint things untruthfully, specifically incorrect and against what I’ve grown to stand for as a person. I was completely shocked and deeply hurt. Causing me to step away from a church that I trusted and that I felt at home in. Honestly it shook my faith a bit. 

The week following the company I’ve been a part of for the past five years cut ties with it’s biggest contract forcing half of the companies locations to spontaneously begin to close. The information going to the customers in the middle of the day before the girls and caused shock, confusion, phone calls and so many tears all before noon. 

We had less than two weeks to close up and busy doesn’t begin to cover how those last days were. We just had to hold it together through the crazy rushes, constant questions, confrontations, running out of product and running out of time. Unanswered questions, yelling, crying, cussing, pity and adrenaline. That was Tuesday, we still had to survive until 10pm Friday. I’m proud to say my core girls stuck together until the end. 

Since that door closed I got a job that I had to leave and have been physically sick. I think it’s normal to dislike the unknown, but I feel financial unknown adds a different anxiety to the mix. I miss seeing the girls that I’ve become so close to since I’d gotten used to seeing them everyday. So friends I guess what I have to say is I feel a little lost. 
Why is it always that we try and fail our first five plans before we ask or lean on God. I’m a believer that action with prayer can open doors….why is it that it isn’t my first thought when a challenge rises up? 

Though I’m left without some answers I do have: amazingly wonderful people in my life, lessening anxiety and my faith is growing back to its normal state. That is still a good amount of progress. Plus in a week or so I will be Shameless(ly) singing about having Friends in Low Places. 

So I’m starting this chapter over again…
My favorite autumnal season and new life chapter…take two. 

“This is my confidence you’ve never failed me yet.”

You Matter

My heart aches when I think too much about how people are in pain.
We don’t wanna talk about it.
We might laugh when we hear people joke.
We might sweep it aside and just tell someone to “cheer up you just need to choose to be happy”. Thinking it’s casual.

Anxiety. Depression. Panic. Loneliness. Bulling. Self harm. Suicide.
We can laugh about it online because it doesn’t feel real or personal. Or do we laugh and joke because it’s too real. Too personal.

Dear one, I know you’ve heard it before and it seems like it’s not true. Though you’re in this dark place there is a brighter season ahead.

My part of the truth to be told…
When I hug him there are moments when I close my eyes and I thank God. I thank that best friend he had then that I don’t know. For without, I would not know him. I would not get to laugh, to smile or share days with him. What if I never got to hear his laugh? I wouldn’t know this kind hearted, deeply loving and incredible person. My heart breaks at the thought that I almost didn’t get a chance to know him.

Dear one, the darkness may seem unchanging. Pain through other’s actions or even your own thoughts may feel like they are never ending. The loneliness you are feeling may feel crippling.
But.
Don’t go.

What if meeting your best friend is around the corner? What if meeting a forever kind of love is only a few years away? What if you’re meant to save someone? What if you’re meant to save yourself? What if you don’t have to feel alone?
You are not alone.
Please Stay.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1-800-273-8255

“i hope you know you’re not the only one who feels the way you feel. You are not the only one who struggles. You are not the only one with questions. You are not crazy. You deserve to be heard, to be known. You deserve love.
You deserve love.

You deserve a place that feels like home. You deserve some hands to hold. Hands to pull you past the broken moments, hands to catch you when you fall. Eyes to see you. To say you’re there, that you exist, that you change a room, that your presence is significant. Ears to hear you – hear your stories, hear you laugh. Ears to hear your questions and to say they matter.

Your questions matter.
Maybe call a friend today or invite someone to coffee. Tell someone they matter or tell someone you could use a conversation. Write a letter or ask someone how they’re doing. Like a song too much. Feel the drums or get lost in the chorus. It means that you’re alive.
It’s good that you’re alive. Who else could play your part?
i hope you get to a place, wake to a day, where that feels true. You deserve to know it’s true.

To Write Love on Her Arms is a community of people with questions and struggles. It is for broken people and it is led by broken people. Life is heavy and light. Life is both. Beauty and pain, aches and dreams… We are saying that it’s okay to talk about those things. We are saying that we need to. We are choosing to believe that stories deserve better endings. That hope is real, that help is real, that people need other people.

You are not alone today. You matter very much.” By Jamie Tworkowski

https://twloha.com/find-help/local-resources/

Something in the water

“Keep your eyes on me. When you’re lost in the dark, when you can’t find your way home. Keep your eyes on me.”– Tim McGraw & Faith Hill

Do you ever walk through your day when all of the sudden you feel like you’ve been hit across face and heart at the same time…but in the best possible way? All the time right?:)

I’ve felt God’s presence and quiet voice lately, as if He’s waiting for me to finally get settled. Much like a parent waiting on their child as they get ready for bed at night. Are you quiet and settled yet? 
Well no because I think and feel multiple things constantly and my mind takes work to make quiet. God often uses music, sermons, quotes nature and people to connect with us. So when my mind can’t seem to get quiet He brings a song to sing me to where I need to be to meet with Him. 

Lately I’m learning to trust God more and He’s been helping me with my patience skills. You see, I like to see every piece of the plan before moving forward. Well life doesn’t work that way most days, sad but true. 
I’ve trusted God and have always had a faith in Him. But it’s only recently that I’ve given trust in most if not all areas of my life. Finances and path have always been easy for me to trust in. Relationships and being strong enough to close doors in multiple areas of my life I can be honest and say that I haven’t done that part well.
Insecurities, people pleasing and fear crept into my heart and set up a comfy camp for a good amount of years.

Call it wisdom, call it maturity or just being sick and tired of living the same as you have every time before. But now in this season. I feel God with me more, louder and this time I’m listening. There are things He’s told me loudly to wait for and my heart takes comfort in waiting. But hold up…not even four months ago I’d have the hardest time waiting on something I felt so strongly about. 

The trust is there. The love is there. The comfort is there. The faith is stronger than ever before. And I am no longer in fear. God knows my heart as it is so clearly written. So I have nothing to worry about. My goodness do I finally get it? For real though?. He didn’t forget me. He didn’t leave me. He is with me always. He’s even given me permission to make some waves.

So here is one my loud moments.
Hopefully the first of many.

I refuse to continue to be silent. To live quietly, scared to ruffle feathers, scared to not be liked, in fear that I won’t find love, in fear that I won’t be understood or living in fear of making a mistake. I don’t want to down play the grace that I have been given in the hardest season. I don’t want to be looked at as just some disposable prize that’s not easily caught in men’s eyes. I am a person, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a deep soul. I am not this item to try and mess or play with. Nor have I ever showed you that I’m “easy”.

Faith is important to me. I want someone who doesn’t see my belief in God & wanting to go to church together as something to tolerate but to have someone that embraces that, celebrates & wants it as well. I’m not a hookup. I am NOT disposable. I’m someone to share a life with. Sunday church, BBQs & driving with the radio up. It is part of me that it unchangeable & makes me who I am.
I will always believe the best in people and give more chances than I should but I will not compromise or sacrifice who I am again.

I am a woman of faith. A Christian. I am a leader. A giver. Passionate in caring about people. An LGBTQ ally. A deep soul. An emotional person. A dependable friend. A fluent sarcasm speaker. A musical theater lover in every sense. A traveler. A proud divorcee. A top notch in the car singer. A slight caffeine addict. A finally content with my body curvy girl. A bit of a hippy. A dancing chef. An organized human. I am a barista, a writer but that’s only the beginning. 

This is me. Stronger.
This is me. Closer to my calling.
This is me. Waiting, content and listening.
This is me. One step closer in my walk with God.

28 things in 28 years

28 things I learned in 28 yearsA reflection of life and the years so far

Dear younger self, 
Hello my sunshiny, deep feeling, God and music loving, ever crafting, kind, little dancer. Though it’s winter time and your favorite holiday season, before I know it we will blink and it will be April again. This April will mark 28 years of life for us. My what all we have learned and seen. So for you little Miss Mae here are 28 things we will have learned in 28 years. (In no special order)

1) You can’t make every person happy..and that’s okay. Just focus on making yourself happy and ya know Mom and Dad.

2) You can’t change another person, even if it’s a change that they want to make…a person can only change if they decide to and put in the work.

3) If your ears plug up and stay plugged after two days go to the doctor. It’ll just get worse the longer time passes.

4) Your tonsils are too big…them and their friends need to come out ASAP! (You will be able to truly breathe, sleep better and not get sick as easily with them gone..really it’s a life changer)

5) You get married and separated in the first half of the same year, it shatters you but you will be stronger than you dreamt you could be after. It ends up freeing you in a beautiful way.

6) In time you’ll love the curves you have and not care about each bit of fat.

7) Wood or metal slivers under the skin will always been an enemy.

8) Quicksand against popular 90’s cartoons, don’t really come up as an issue as often you think they will.

9) God’s comfort, peace, grace, protection and presence will never leave you.

10) Music is as important as you believe it is. It heals, moves and lifts.

11) Traveling no matter how close or far is good for the soul. It’s always worth the time and money to explore.

12) It’s okay to not be perfect….in fact it’s much more rewarding, liberating and beautiful to embrace your imperfection.

13) Therapy is beneficial and helpful for everyone for we are all just a bit broken.

14) The theater community is all accepting and supportive. Not all groups of people are like this, not everyone effortlessly accepts others. Heartbreaking but true.

15) Your smile and kindness can make a difference. You have the power to lighten someone’s day with it. So always smile if you can and lead with kindness.

16) People should respect when you say the word “no”. It doesn’t mean there’s wiggle room or that they can push and ask four more times. If this happens a lot with a someone then back away, you’re not a bad person for not being around them anymore.

17) Forgiveness Isn’t a sign of weakness and it doesn’t justify what the other person did. Forgiveness is strength for yourself and a daily decision.

18) Worrying just makes you suffer twice… So don’t over obsess about it.

19) Don’t say anything about anyone unless you would say it to their face…because gossip is toxic and it doesn’t reflect negatively on the other person but on you.

20) Not everyone is the same and that is beautiful. We don’t all think and believe the same. We don’t all walk the same path so don’t compare yourself to others. See the qualities you want for yourself and apply them but don’t compare.

21) Only God can judge. It is not our place to judge others for their choices. Ask questions to understand their point of view and to gain wisdom..but leave the judgement at the door.

22) Don’t continue to wait for the white picket fence chapter… Yes of course we are excited for a husband and possible child and a dog, but don’t miss all of the lovely things on the journey. Honestly this pre-ever after chapter is full of gems.

23) Everyone would benefit from visiting Europe at least once in their lifetime for it is life changing. For you young one, London is your favorite place.

24) Love is an action, not a feeling. It is a daily decision to choose someone. Yes there are moments of electricity but it is mostly a slow burn, a constant hum of truth and trust.

25) You don’t have to over explain or justify your choices or things that you do. You can choose to share, but there doesn’t have to be an urgent pressing need for others to understand every fine detail.

26) Your maternal instinct is a strong useful gift, even though you are not a mother. That intuition is an asset not a burden.

27) Loving something and loving the idea of something are completely different things.

28) You don’t feel “too much”. You are not broken for feeling so deeply and don’t need to be cured of it. Your deep joy and capability for deep emotion is your connection to God and the world. That depth is an incredible gift….even when it overwhelms you.

Walking through the storm

Towards the end of the year we all tend to reflect on our journey as a new chapter is about to begin. 2016 was the hardest year, truly full of every emotion.

Starting of the year as a wife for the very first time, excitement and love began this season of unknown. Little did I know that saying “I do” was the beginning of the end.Everything I knew, everything that he told me, my expectations, my path warped.

I fought through four months of trying everything I could think of. Therapy, couples retreat, prayer, advice, altering myself, giving everything I could. But the lies he spoke and lived ran so very deep.

Once he finally said those words that my heart had found to be true, I felt this whisper. You know like in the movies when time slows down… “How you react and move through this will change him forever, one way or another.” God’s words were there in all the weak moments I had that I could have been damaging or hurtful. Though I know I had a right to react I let God’s grace move through me.

I can say that I never called him names, cursed at him or undercut his character. The month of May I went from survival mode to putting myself on pause. I knew that once I got back into the safe comfort of my family home that I could collapse, fall apart and begin again.

Tiana, my manager during the time I was married was an angel and therapist. My parents, two best friends Renee and Heidi, my sister Julie and Audrey all helped me with the transition back home. They let me talk, feel and they supported me when I needed to lean. Phone calls with an incredible woman Shawnine was the best kind of therapy. Talking with someone that had walked a similar path and was years past on the other side and happy helped me in so many ways. She helped me make the hard decisions to help my healing. I am beyond thankful for these amazing people.

Back home, back at work and around my support system I began to sift through my broken pieces. Working to get my last name back felt like fighting for a piece of my identity. Processing and talking through things, going to a new church, shooting my fancy marriage license to confetti and purging some of my possessions all helped me start to see myself again. Let’s go though them, because I think it’s important.
Processing and talking through things.

This one is logical, simple and short. When you live through something traumatic you need to vocalize your feelings and process through them in order to move forward in a healthy way. Stuffing it down and hiding it only makes it worse. By suppressing unfelt feelings, it saves it for later in life, making it bigger and a lot worse. When you or someone you are close to lives in lies, it pulls them into a shameful deep darkness.
The scariest thing for the person is to bring light and expose that darkness, if only they knew that the key was that simple. Lies, shame, decent and darkness cannot live in the light of transparency. The more light the more healing. Processing was important to make sense of what had happened and begin to make sense of myself. Starting over and choosing who I wanted to be and finding what felt like was truly me.

Shooting my fancy marriage license to confetti and purging some of my possessions. Believe it or not these are one in the same. They both take action and give an exhale-like release. You are taking back your power and control that you felt was taken from you.
Sifting through your things is a lot like life. You choose what to keep in your life space because you need it, love it or feel responsible for it. No possession is worth you holding on it it out of stress, guilt or laziness. Two questions I ask in purging possessions: do I need this? Does this bring me joy?

A new church. Faith is so important to me. Throughout my life God and church have been there. In my mid 20’s I started to see God for myself as I felt His presence in moments here and there. I’ve seen my relationship with God as just that…a relationship. Talking, praying, listening and loving. I try to be a light in the darkness. Be there for friends and even people that I just met, to show by example, to love others without judgement. This year was no different. Through my pain, hurt and brokenness God never left me. I felt Him with me in those quiet moments when I was open. His love and grace are what truly got me through it all. Period.

Yes I got in the trenches and fought daily. I had to choose every day to continue to heal and move forward. To choose to accept His grace. To choose to not take the easy road. To choose to not make a stupid decision that could start a negative or dangerous habit.
Choices: They really do make or break us one way or another.

I learned a valuable lesson in faith this year. To me, an “imperfect” but authentic relationship with God is better than a perceived “perfect” religious check list of deeds emotionlessly completed. I choose to live a life of faith because I have felt and seen it for myself. I am a better version of me with it and would be shattered without it.

Through all of the wreckage that happened, God didn’t just restore me back to who I was before. Though in my deep pain that’s all I wanted, God had something bigger planned. (He always has a bigger and better plan)

God guided me to finding myself. No longer broken and lost….but now found and strong.
With joy and this beautiful new freedom and light to walk in. Thank you to those who walked through this year with me and here’s to the next chapter.

Finding my way back to myself

“Let me tell you what I wish I’d known when I was young and dreamed of glory: You have no control: who lives, who dies, who tells your story. I know that we can win. I know that greatness lies in you but remember from here on in. History has it’s eyes on you.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda

If you spoke to me during or just after my separation/divorce, I want to say “thank you”. You unknowingly gave me strength to keep my head above the waves. God’s love and the love of others got me through. I’m always grateful when I’m reminded the blessing that is unending grace.

When something bad happens to us the last thing we want to do is slowly sift through the pain of what happened. As I mindfully process and sift through not only the first half of this year, but the past two years I can separate what beliefs are my own. I’ve had to purge myself of his beliefs, goals, judgement, cheating, lying and whispers of negativity. I had to slowly walk through light at the end of all darkness that had crept into my life.

I find myself asking “do I think/believe this because I do or because someone else did or told me to?”. Sometimes it’s a simple answer….. others not so much. I am finding that quick moments of reflection and self inventory are moments of small but great blessing. As a fairly laid back person I normally go with the flow happily. Currently I’m finding that taking control of some things in my life is giving me much needed liberation.

At the tender transitional age of 27 I finally know who I am and what I believe. If you have the time I’d like to share with you.
I love and believe in God.
I will not judge or preach at you for that’s not my place, that doesn’t change my desire for you to know His love and wish you’d be sitting with me in church.
I believe in leading by example, from faith to work ethic.
People have hurt me, but it will still continue to believe the best in everyone.
I’m imperfect and human, I am 100% okay with that.
I’m a creative person, it is how I express and function.
Ever since I was a little girl I’ve loved music and movies, that won’t change.
Having my own career doesn’t matter to me, I’ve tried to make it but it’s never been my calling.
People are my passion and life experiences mean more to me than a job.
The job I pick is to make money to facilitate my true desires and my calling.
I was created to let others know that they are not alone.
I was created to support and love on people.
I was created to stand in the gap for others.
I was created to be a wife and mother one day.
I was created to explore.
I was created to create.

While I was writing this, music in the background I felt a familiar wash over me. I had felt it a few times in my life. I have been broken before, tears flooding and called out to God to wrap me in His arms. I confess in those moments I didn’t magically feel wrapped in a blanket. No, I kept praying and pushed through the moment of pain. I believe that’s when God is strengthening our relationship and I place my trust in Him.

I need to share this with you because my heart is overflowing I simply can’t hold it in. While writing about what really matters to me, writing what I know I’m meant to do to explore, to create. I saw a vision I guess you’d call it. I closed my eyes pausing between thoughts and exhaled. I saw myself in a new place laughing and having a look around. The most important part was I felt this wash of pure and complete joy. Like only one feeling I’ve ever known. On top of that amazing feeling, I felt fully embraced as if someone came up behind me hugging and holding me. I placed my left hand across onto my shoulder and rested. Tears lightly followed and I rested.
A strong and peaceful voice:
“I am always with you.”
“You are doing good.”

The air blowing in through my window is a cool but thick air. The kind of warm summers day rain scent as the drops glide off of the evergreens. That forest, hot pavement, rain coming and going smell. My favorite scent in the world.
Dear ones, I truly believe that a new chapter has just now began.

Showing my scars

When I started writing this it was originally about fear. As I write I realize it’s not just my fear, it’s about baggage. No one likes to talk about it. But I believe part of overcoming fear or sorting through baggage is to talk about it openly. I feel that it takes a good amount of its power away.

So I’m going to unpack my emotional relationship luggage. Just for you dear one, here is my set.

Broken trust
Before my last relationship I had a difficult time in guarding my heart. I had bad things happen before yes but I still gave people so much trust and continued to let them in close even when they hurt me.
Part of my baggage is that I have to see the follow through. I’ve had people talk a good game, say wonderful words and ideas or tell me they’ll change and there ends up been no action or follow through. If you don’t back up your words with action, I question if there was ever intentions to begin with and feel lied to. Once too many a lies have been deposited, my trust is broken and that bank account is overdrawn. I hate to have to say that sometimes I don’t fully believe it until I see it.

Giving up too much
I’m a recovering people pleaser, but also a team player and that’s a hard combination. I know relationships are about compromise, giving and being a team together. The problem is before I’ve given up too much and my then partner didn’t compromise a bit. It’s always a bit out of balance and when I give up too much I end up losing myself. I have the fear of losing myself again so I will probably be more stubborn for a while.

Not feeling wanted
It’s been apparent before that I wasn’t enough for my past partners. Through acts of cheating, verbal abuse and manipulation I’ve been left not feeling wanted or like I wasn’t enough. That put my self worth through hell for a while and I’ve come pretty far but I’ll still feel those triggers sometimes.

Fear of addiction
You name it, alcohol, proscription drugs, pornography, smoking I’ve dated guys with them all. I cannot live around addiction. We won’t go into the unhealthy part of it, but all the addictions I listed wreak people’s lives. I now refuse to be put in those familiar unsafe situations. If you have a problem with one or more of those things please get help.

Now as I go though it all I know that I’m moving forward. I no longer feel discouraged or broken like I needed someone to fix me.
I realize that It’s not about getting to a magical point where I suddenly wake up and see I’m all fixed up like new. Nothing wipes the slate completely clean but that’s a good thing. It shows where you’ve been and that you’ve survived what you’ve walked through.

Our baggage starts as a wound, easily hurt and sometimes exposed. But as time ticks on we walk around with our bags and eventually exchange them for scars and move on. As you walk on darling, no matter the size of your scars, know that you are more than enough and don’t let anyone tell you differently.

If You Feel Too Much

“I’m a lightweight. Easy to fall, easy to break. With every move my whole world shakes. Keep me from falling apart.”

…Then it ended, full to the brim of unkept promises.

I’ve been getting odd triggers lately,
which have led me to doing some self inventory.
In all this, (“this” being the huge new beginning that is my season if life right now) I’ve been understanding, caring and have forgiven.

Silly me thought in pushing down the hurt that it would magically hold back the pain…well it did for a few weeks.
But the thing about pain is that it doesn’t just disappear.
“It demands to be felt”. I don’t like feeling angry.
It feels almost toxic to me the second it begins to surface. So I let myself feel a little pain in moments but didn’t wanna feel the anger.
Funny thing is, if you ignore it it’ll pop up in random inconvenient times.

So this is the part I don’t want to show.
The brokenness, hurt and pain that remains.
So here’s me fully vulnerable, with my deep broken pieces.

I feel SO childish when I think “but what about me?”.
It’s one thing to say that he lied to me, but I feel so angry because there’s no possible way to explain the depth of that.

His lies…his selfishness, his pride, his lack of compassion, lack of wherewithal to fight, his silence, his stubbornness, his constant need for control, his mask, his continual dishonestly, killed our relationship, broke my heart and worst of all, ripped my self worth to pieces.
I gave him my body, heart, life, my fight, my worth…
I’m here, left with nothing…but pieces.
He’s emotionally wrecked me.

Yes I forgive him and deep down I really do.
I can logically understand his heart and know that he didn’t truly mean to hurt me. For that I completely understand.
But trying to skip the anger part because I didn’t want to feel it isn’t working.
I want to be living in forgiveness, to fast forward to the healed part.
I know I’ll get there I just can’t get there fast enough.
I hate feeling needy, broken and hurting.
I don’t want to crave being held…that part of this hurts badly.
My stubbornness in not wanting to feel weak and broken isn’t helping either.

How can my heart still feel so optimistic,
hopefully believing there’s a great love still out there?
While equally feeling like if the “right” one came along
I don’t think I could believe or trust him.
To want the loving friendship, the flirting and the warmth.
Without having a clue of how to get there or
even if I did if I could fully trust.
It’s a weird space to feel in.

I’ve been carrying things that aren’t mine to carry.
I knew he didn’t have someone to be completely open with.
I wanted to be there for him and to do the right thing.

The thing is, that just reopens my scab making it really hard to heal.
I had to be reminded and told that I’ve been released from that.
That’s not my job. I’m not responsible for someone else’s healing.
I have to be reminded that it’s not selfish or wrong to do what’s right for me.
I pray for him to have the support he needs.
I’m content walking through life wearing my scar,
but the scab has to go, it has to properly heal.

My emotions are running things and I don’t like feeling out of control.
Logically I know I just need time and that I’ll get there.
It’s hard to have peace in that when you’re in the thick of it.
Lucky for me music not only speaks to me but is extremely healing.
So the playlist begins and so do the steps…one song at a time.

“This is my fight song. Take back my life song. Prove I’m alright song. My power’s turned on. Starting right now I’ll be strong
I’ll play my fight song And I don’t really care if nobody else believes. ‘Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me.”

First quote from the song “Lightweight” by Demi Lavato
Second quote is from “The fault in our stars” by John Green
Third quote is from the song “fight song” by Rachel Platten