The girl who felt too much

A little girl skipped towards her parents on a Sunday afternoon after learning more about God’s endless love…though she didn’t quite understand what endless meant.

Being the youngest she had a desperate desire to be heard, filling the silence with all of the words she wasn’t able to fit in earlier that day.

She didn’t seek attention to boast with some greedy intention. She simply wanted the satisfaction of being part of the reason others laughed, or felt the warmth of her kindness.

She became addicted to giving that kindness and often times would end up hurt, her heart was the casualty. Rejection felt like a deep punch of “you are just not enough”. Rejection of her efforts, her friendship, her affection, her time, her words and voice. Sometimes other’s actions read “You are just not enough”.

And every time it knocked the wind out of her. She would always be willing to work herself to the bone to prevent the possibility of not being good enough. Worthy of the pat on the back, the romantic gesture, the time, the kind words and the “thank you’s”…the ability to exhale.

Why is it that she forgets about God’s endless love? How does the human inadequacy speak louder than the hum and whisper of God’s comfort?

“Confidence is quiet, insecurities are loud.”

The doubts become so loud that we often miss the gentle hum of love that is always on, that forever remains, that never leaves us and that always ensures that we are enough. In all the noise of five levels of panic, the chaos in our hearts drown the hum…though it always remains.

That one song comes on, your friend reminds you, in his smile and embrace hold all of your brokenness, the ocean breeze…

the uncomfortable quietness shifts into calm and contentment. The love washes over and the hum is heard.

The questions you left behind

“Cuz what if everyone saw?
What if everyone knew?”
You’ve heard “you’re not alone” but you don’t feel the support or peace.

You’ve heard “the sun will rise” but right now you can’t see the end of the darkness.

So fogged by the intense amount of crushing pain, your mind won’t stop as endless questions stack up without answers to clear them….the weight continues.

You don’t see the end where the story gets good again and the carefree happy song plays in the background assuring you that all is now well.

All your “what if” questions and your “why” questions. You ask “how do I make this all go away?” You’ve reached out for help and it partly gets you by but it doesn’t feel like enough.

So to shut out your crushing questions and to shut out the never ending voice, you plan. You justify. You plan because it FEELS like a resolution. It gives you an inauthentic peace because you forgot what real peace feels like. The peace you craved and didn’t believe you could find or get. The numbness fakes peace. So one last time you’ll feel again but only under your control….

Maybe you thought about who you were leaving behind. Maybe you thought about what they would think, do or feel once you were gone. Maybe that’s the only way you felt important again. Maybe in your fog you couldn’t imagine any pain other than the weight of your own.

It may feel like fake wanna be words but you were NOT alone. So many people have felt the way you did. So many people that cared and loved. So many that would have done anything to help you. If you would have said something. If we would have known.

The questions that weighed you didn’t stop…they morphed into new questions that you left for us.

I can answer a few questions.

You were loved. Your smile brought a smile even though your dog always barked at me. Your life had more meaning than you ever thought. You’re thought of. You will be missed.

Dear ones,
You matter so much to more people than you will ever be able to comprehend. There is help. There is a light and the darkness can end EVEN when it feels like there’s no possible way. You will be found again. You are loved.

24 hour suicide hotline 1-800-273-8255

https://twloha.com/find-help/local-resources/

Autumnal changes

As the door shut a familiar loud click of the lock followed. A chapter suddenly ended with no way to return for the badge I had held for five years was taken. 

Mid September sent a shift for several changes at once. A testimony I had given was wrongfully edited and played without my knowledge or approval. Things were taken out of context to paint things untruthfully, specifically incorrect and against what I’ve grown to stand for as a person. I was completely shocked and deeply hurt. Causing me to step away from a church that I trusted and that I felt at home in. Honestly it shook my faith a bit. 

The week following the company I’ve been a part of for the past five years cut ties with it’s biggest contract forcing half of the companies locations to spontaneously begin to close. The information going to the customers in the middle of the day before the girls and caused shock, confusion, phone calls and so many tears all before noon. 

We had less than two weeks to close up and busy doesn’t begin to cover how those last days were. We just had to hold it together through the crazy rushes, constant questions, confrontations, running out of product and running out of time. Unanswered questions, yelling, crying, cussing, pity and adrenaline. That was Tuesday, we still had to survive until 10pm Friday. I’m proud to say my core girls stuck together until the end. 

Since that door closed I got a job that I had to leave and have been physically sick. I think it’s normal to dislike the unknown, but I feel financial unknown adds a different anxiety to the mix. I miss seeing the girls that I’ve become so close to since I’d gotten used to seeing them everyday. So friends I guess what I have to say is I feel a little lost. 
Why is it always that we try and fail our first five plans before we ask or lean on God. I’m a believer that action with prayer can open doors….why is it that it isn’t my first thought when a challenge rises up? 

Though I’m left without some answers I do have: amazingly wonderful people in my life, lessening anxiety and my faith is growing back to its normal state. That is still a good amount of progress. Plus in a week or so I will be Shameless(ly) singing about having Friends in Low Places. 

So I’m starting this chapter over again…
My favorite autumnal season and new life chapter…take two. 

“This is my confidence you’ve never failed me yet.”

Late July Favorites

A bit late but sometimes time runs away from me a touch. Here are some favorites I enjoyed in July.

Favorite drink
Huckleberry and Madagascar vanilla
Italian soda with a little bit of cream.

Favorite product
My favorite product this month is a subscription that I’ve tested the past two months. Now this might be an over share for some of you so here’s your warning;)

“Lola” is this fantastic monthly subscription for feminine products. As a chick with a sensitive body and a few allergies I HIGHLY recommend it.
Made with 100% organic cotton with no added random bleach or other things you’d rather not have in your body. You can order liners, tampons or both and they are shipped for free to your door. You can change your contents of order to fit exactly what you need. Need to skip a month? No problem! Didn’t like it? No problem you can stop without pressure. It’s totally adjustable for life’s random changes. Created for women, by women with no ads of women skipping through fields. They also donate a box when you buy a box so really ya can’t lose. Truly I love it!!

Favorite outing/moment
By far my favorite moment was a Saturday spent with friends. Coffee, a rooftop bar downtown, Pike place market, spontaneously meaningful tattoos, the Ed Sheeran concert and dancing all night. An incredibly fun day filled with a lot of laughter, a few moving tears and unforgettable music.

Favorite album(s) & song(s)
Anything by Ed Sheeran but here are my favorites of his:
*Lego house
*Dive
*Tenerife sea
*Photograph
*Eraser
*Perfect
*Cold coffee
*Galway girl
*Kiss me
*Give me love
*Afire love
*Shape of you

Favorite quote/lyrics
“The only meaningful thing we can offer one another is love. Not advice, not questions about our choices, not suggestions for the future, just love.”

“We know what the world wants from us. We know we must decide whether to stay small, quiet, and uncomplicated or allow ourselves to grow as big, loud, and complex as we were made to be. Every girl must decide whether to be true to herself or true to the world. Every girl must decide whether to settle for adoration or fight for love.”
Both quotes by Glennon Doyle Melton

Favorite bible verse
“May the words of my mouth
and the meditation of my heart
be acceptable to you,
Lord, my rock and my Redeemer.”
Psalm 19:14

Digital pocket influence

How can we turn so easily from carefree to worry, with a simple small flick just like a light switch?

I saw a picture the other day shared on Facebook of a couple, it was sweet showing their love. What made me think was a comment below, “#RelationshipGoals”. I’ll be honest my first thought was sarcastic, I thought “well anyone can look happy for one picture” but then my heart thought about the young girl commenting.

She sees that and it could be lighthearted but what if it’s deeper than that? What if she’s lonely wishing she had that? She feels like she’s doing something wrong or isn’t good enough to have that? What if she feels incomplete because she is without that? Or maybe it’s that she wishes her partner would take pictures like that with her?

Now what may sound like I’m over thinking it BUT it is true to a level. Did you see your friend post a picture of a a few friends on a trip and feel a small twinge wishing you were there? Have you seen or heard things that made you feel like you needed to do more or feel bummed out about yourself?

In this digitally driven world we are able to connect to more people than ever and we can share our thoughts about every little thing. We are reminded of birthdays of the very important people we met that one time at that friend of a friend’s dinner party, thank goodness because it would be SO embarrassing if we forgot to post on their “wall”.

We can share anything and we tend to share way too much. Yet, it’s never enough. Someone is always traveling to an amazing new place, they get engaged, went to that cool concert, had a freaking adorable baby, have better gym before and after pictures, their house looks like Chip and Joanna Gaines fixed it up for them, heck their dinner plates look better than yours too!

We compare our every day Monday through Friday survival crawl to these small moments of perfection in staged lighting. Dang we’ve gotta get it together because look at that person.

The question we are scared to ask is, if they all saw the gritty truth, the worst day, the low moments, the depression, the stress, the messy other side of the room, that you forgot to paint your nails, that panic attack, that dinner came out of a box, the hurt, the longing, the moments when you came up short, when you forgot, when you messed up…..would they still be there? We are so scared to be real, to be wrong…to not be liked.

The thing is we are all a little bit broken. We have the ability to connect 24/7 but we are lonely. The connection less connecting is effecting our lives and relationships for we compare them all. Our homes, cars, bodies, friends, jobs, talents, abilities, everything.

This pursuit of perfection spins us out of balance as we chase it and it moves us farther and farther from inner contentment and self worth. When did we start trading our priceless peace, for posts and pictures? How do we find our balance between sharing and caring too much and not at all? How will we teach ourselves not to measure our worth by our digital pocket influence? What can I do to adjust and find my balance?

For those who need it.
You look good, no one saw you trip, your smile made someone’s day, you’re not alone even when the loneliness seems overwhelming, the hurt will heal, the night will end, good days will come, you are loved, you are worth it, you matter even when you feel as if you don’t, you will be found.

Echoes within your heart

“Cause I learn to slam on the break before I even turn the key, before I make the mistake, before I lead with the worst of me. I never let them see the worst of me.” (Dear Evan Hansen) 
I feel an odd and different kind of broken. I guess not so much broken as so very found that I almost feel lost in it.
The easiest way to put it is I now see the gap of difference between someone listening to you and someone hearing you. Listening to respond and listening to hear…listening to know.
The difference of caring and caring for the contents of someone’s heart and well being.

I guess I have a frustration with the fact that so many people don’t care enough to want to know you deeply. The part of you that really matters, the hub of where you operate, the heart and soul that make you…you.

My overly empathetic heart aches for this deep connection. I know I can always grow closer to God and strengthen that relationship and I’ve been investing in friendships. But there’s this longing that sneaks up on me at times, this magnetic pull to be known. That person you dream of to connect with on this amazing level, invest in their personal growth, to love and be loved for all the odd pieces. That person that falls in love with the essence of who you are at your core…your soul.

My heart feels so big that it’s as if even I don’t know where the bottom is…in this area I feel too deep for my own good. I’ve given all of me and been hurt so deeply before, the cuts are healed but the scars remind me to stop before I give too much…or even when I feel myself almost want to because I now stop and wonder if that person even cares enough to hear my heart at its freest movement. 

If you feel “too much” or too deep for your own good raise your hand. *raises two hands* The lyric comes to mind….
“Day after day. Give me clouds and rain and gray. Give me pain if that’s what’s real, it’s the price we pay to feel” 
(Next to normal)

In the Polaroid big picture of my life, I guess I’m still waiting for the answers of why this corner hasn’t developed fully yet. 

I never knew your heart could ache yet not be broken. 
One of my favorite quotes is “Our hearts are our songs“…until that chapter comes, I will let my song play. Let it echo and even ache. 
Rest in a comfort of knowing that God knows every corner of my heart, He knows my song… He knows what I truly need even when I do not. 

My Tried & True – People

This past week I’ve been rather reflective…like you know more than my normal. A lot has happened in the last year and I can’t help but think about the people that have been there for/with me every step. This blog post started as me writing about my favorite tried and true products and things. As I started writing I knew that this would need to be a two part post, one about people and one about things. I’d like to start with the most valuable….people. Please know that I could talk for days about these incredible people but I tried to keep it somewhat to the point…you’re welcome. 😉

My parents will always be strong pillars in my life. Your wisdom, humor, love, guidance, friendship, faith, grace and leadership are all indescribable gifts. I am reminded daily in SO many little moments. To say I’m blessed and grateful is the biggest understatement. I have the faith and relationship because of your influence and that is truly irreplaceable. I love you both infinitely.

Heidi & Darren.
Sunday is my favorite day of the week mostly because I get to recap and also start a new week off with y’all. To be able and share faith, conversation and food together just about weekly means so much to me. You are like part of the family.

Heidi.
My gorgeous lady. Having you in my life has made me grow and be a better person. Your heart for your loved ones and justice, independence, sarcasm, strength, drive, intelligence, giving nature and grace are qualities that continue to inspire me. I am so very blessed to have you as my best friend. Darren. Your work ethic, leadership, humor and heart show content of your character. The way you love my best friend is truly beautiful. I don’t have to simply tolerate my friend’s partner but have a bonus friend and I am grateful for that blessing.

Renee. My beautiful best musical friend. Your feisty nature, love, talent, your care for animals, independence, laugh, unshakeable strength and support I will never take for granted. No matter how life gets I know I can always call you at anytime and that you’ll be there. 

Savannah, Morgan and Abbey.
These three ladies are truly lovely both inside and out. Sometimes it’s about the little things like a call, text, song, a movie, getting tattoos, an Ikea trip, chats while having Chipotle, a random drive around Seattle, nesting apartment nights, singing in the car to show tunes or the finding the only person who understands how long you need to spend in world market. You ladies make me laugh and I love our girl dates. 

All of these people picked me up in my hardest season. In joy and tears, success and brokenness I always know that I can count on them. I would not be who I am without these incredible, loving people. My pack/tribe. I love you all. 

– xx, Kels

Things I’ll know next time

After talking to a friend today I had this overwhelming feeling to write.
I’ve never felt such a pull to write that I couldn’t wait to get home.
I learned SO much in the ending of my last relationship. I’m not one to be ashamed of my mistakes for they have taught me valuable things. If the wisdom I’ve gained in my past pain can help someone else, that makes things worth it. I walked through fire and ice, I wouldn’t wish the dark pain I felt on my enemy.
I truly believe that my past will make me a better wife. So for you friend here are some things I wish I knew before and I’ll be sure to talk through with my future husband.

(The first two things involve some fun test time. These tests help you unlock a much greater understanding of how you and your partner operate. I find knowing these is also very helpful in close friends as well)

Love languages
A fantastic book called the five love languages by Gary Chapman.
Love is a language and everyone speaks it a little differently. The idea is to know your needs and how you speak what your language is and learning your partners. Making the effort to speak their language, understanding what makes them feel truly loved.

Personally I am a Words Of Affirmation girl, shocking I know. It’s no secret by my writing that I’m a big communicator, words mean a great deal to me. I am also a Physical Touch person, I’m a hugger and a touchy feely person. I crave the closeness and a thoughtful small touch means a lot.
I am super simple, just hug me and tell me that you think I’m pretty.
(My family jokes about that because there’s such truth in it)

**Here’s the link for you
http://www.5lovelanguages.com

Myers Briggs personality test
I feel like through taking the Myers Briggs test you really unlock big pieces of yourself. It’s important to know your strengths and weaknesses and vice versa. Very helpful to really look into and almost studying. I’m not the girl I was a year ago my personality has changed a little in my growth but it’s no surprise that I’m still 94% extrovert.

Extrovert
iNtuitive
Feeling
Judging

**Here’s the link for you
http://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test

How you recharge
Yes you can be with someone who recharges differently it’s just important that both people understand and respect that.
This is broken down to a basic question. Are you an introvert or extrovert?

Introvert meaning you are energized by spending time alone, at home or in secluded places.
Or
Extrovert someone who recharges their energy by being around people.
Doesn’t mind being alone, but prefers the company of others.

Communication styles
I am a communicative person and also a verbal processor.
(No that’s not something in a computer)
Being a verbal processor means that I talk through (or write through) my thoughts. Talking out loud as they say. Where this gets tricky is when people try to give advice or “fix” situations that I’m in the moment of processing through. In those moments us VPs don’t need a fix it man with a plan, we just need a listening ear and conformation on parts you agree with. Don’t worry if we need help we are very verbal about it. 😉
And sometimes I feel like printing a T shirt that says “I’m a verbal processor, deal with it! It’s you’re responsibility to keep up. ”

How you see God
A big question with many answers. Do you see God as a judge and nothing more? If so my heart hurts that you don’t know the compassionate, loving leader that I know.
Know that I will not judge you or tell you the kind of faith that you should have. I will never tell you that you need to be a stronger Christian. (I know what that feels like and it’s more damaging than people know)
I’m not going to compare our levels of faith. For none of those things are my place.
All I want is us to walk life together with a faith and love for God.

Finances
Not always a fun thing to talk about but important. It’s not so much about how much a person makes, but having the conversations about how and when you pay bills. Do you tithe is so what percent do you feel comfortable with? Is saving a certain amount important? Talking before spending $50 and higher?
How do you feel about credit cards and do you have any? How much debt do you have and is it a high goal of yours to be debt free? What to you is worth investing more money in? (Things like food quality, cable, date nights or vacations) Things worth taking the time to be on the same page about and talking again if things have or need to change.

Parenting
Not the basic “no I don’t want kids” or “yes I want kids and this is how many”. It’s talking about your parenting styles and nonnegotiables.
What’s important to you and what can you compromise on?

Most importantly if you feel like you have to walk on eggshells,
if you feel yourself slowly slipping away, if feel yourself building up walls,
don’t ignore those feelings as small as they may seem they are flags.
Love doesn’t dim your inner light, it magnifies it.

From my heart to yours

Life Unedited – Part Two

In all seasons of life there is the ability to learn and grow.
So here’s what I’m learning unedited and honest.

Here is in list form some things that I find really important. If you are in an open place, I feel this pull my heart to share a few lessons I’ve learned that I really want you to know.

Music is powerful for it touches everyone.
God always loves you and talking to Him is not because He needs it, it’s a therapy session for you.
Guarding your heart is really actually as important as people say.
don’t say yes when you really mean no.
Saying no for no other reason than because you yourself don’t feel like it in any scenario is plenty reason enough.
Mistakes may break you in the moment, but they will make you stronger and wiser. So don’t be SO hard on yourself.
You don’t have to fake liking those kind of movies, parties or music.
YOU are good enough, so just be authentically unapologetically you.
Please don’t care too much of what people think…I did for way too long.
There will be a transition where the things that make you different are encouraged and desired.
The person that is toughest on you, is you. So cut yourself some slack.
Yes making people happy is wonderful, just don’t do it at the over expense of you.
There is someone that will love you for who you are, completely in all your flaws.
Balance being a giver with being a little selfish.
Yes sometimes you have to just put on your big girl panties, suck it up and just push through it. When you do, kick some serious butt while you’re at it.
Work hard, because it pays off in the end.
If you feel a twinge that the something that you are doing is wrong, honor that because it’s probably not the right thing for you in the moment and stopping said thing is a good idea.
Your intuition and your limits are some things you need to respect.
Invest in yourself like you would a friend, because you matter.
God made you. He took time to carefully create all the pieces of you, don’t ever think that you aren’t important or wanted.
You are here for a reason.
And dear one, you are SO loved.

Loving Less

I’ve taken the first steps into becoming a minimalist and have loved it’s impact on my life. Now I want to take more steps in that direction adding into this next season. I want to stress that this is my interpretation of a minimalist lifestyle. It is working for me and I feel it frees me and supports the kind of life I wanna live.

One of the big things about minimalism is your space, the habitat you live in day to day. This is where I started in my journey. I wanted a change, to feel lighter and frankly I liked the thought of being able to pick up and move house easily. Now looking back it doesn’t seem big but I got rid of half of everything I own. Clothes, books, movies, furnisher, decor, everything. I don’t like clutter or visual noise, so not only was it a freeing experience but once it’s over you’re left with a calm environment.

“A simple life:
Eat less, move more
Buy less, make more
Stress less, laugh more
Feel blessed, love more.”

I’ve recently been taking steps into simplifying my relationships. We don’t do life alone and shouldn’t. But ask yourself, “Who do I want to align my life path with?” We don’t have to be antisocial but at the same time you want to invest in people worth investing in. Now I’m not saying that I will ignore people and cut them out of my life, though some I did have to let go of. I just try and focus on people who help me stay on my right path, who encourage me to be better, who add positive things to my life. I value and invest in them and they do the same. We can continue grow together and build each other up. Having that positive support is key and honestly makes a huge difference.

Becoming and living a minimalist life continues to strengthen and lift me up. I feel less drained and weighed down. It keeps me tuned into the important things and the things I truly value. Time, joy and people.

If you wanna learn more I’ve found that the following websites are very interesting and helpful.

What Is Minimalism?

http://www.becomingminimalist.com