A year later…

I can’t believe it’s been a year since I’ve posted a blog. In a year I’ve:

Started a new job that I love.

Moved into a new apartment.

Got engaged AND got married.

With all the changes, I’ve honestly felt a bit creatively blocked. So I am trying out something new. I’m going to try to write without expectations. I feel though that I need a clean slate to do so. If you’d like to come along for the ride I’d love to have you. You can find me on my new second blog….. coffeewithMae.wordpress.com

Thank you all for always being supportive I appreciate you. 🙂

Cruelty Free – Part 2

My top Cruelty free face products

I wanted to write about my favorite cruelty free products for both home and face. I’ve worked hard on transitioning my home and body products and though it’s felt like a slow process I can say that I’m proud of what I use.

I started looking for cruelty free products because testing on animals doesn’t sit right with me and I started looking into the vegan and animal-derived ingredients because have an egg allergy. It’s not an awful level but it still makes me sick when I consume it in medium to large levels. In changing what I put on my skin it has made it SO much healthier and happier.

Part two is products I put on my face.

I use a lot of NYX makeup because the pigment is great and it’s at a good price point. From powder to eyeshadow, from eyebrows to eyeliner.

⁃ NYX Cosmetics Is Now Vegan-Friendly! NYX Cosmetics was acquired by a non-cruelty-free giant cosmetic brand, L’Oreal in 2014, but thankfully NYX Cosmetics has maintained their commitment to a strict no animal testing policy and is a cruelty-free brand.

Ulta’s beauty brand has some nice eyeshadow colors and great mascara.

⁃ Ulta’s beauty brand is cruelty free but it’s unclear if they are 100% vegan.

In my teens I used Mary Kay for my skincare. Once I turned 24 my skin decided to act like it was 13 all over again. Since switching to more natural products my skin has been a lot happier

⁃ All Pacifica products are gluten-free, 100% vegan, and cruelty-free.

⁃ Alba Botanica products are made with using many natural, organic and cruelty-free ingredients. Their products are free of meat and by-products of animal killing. They exclude all cruelly obtained animal ingredients, even if the animal isn’t killed.

⁃ Acure uses natural organic, plant-based, fair trade ingredients free of parabens, sulfates, phthalates, synthetic fragrances, petrochemicals, and animal by-products. They are cruelty-free, and all of their products are vegetarian most of their products are vegan.

I hope this has encouraged you to try something new that maybe you normally wouldn’t or helped you put together your skincare/makeup essentials.

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(If ads appear please know that I do not choose them)

Favorite Cruelty-Free Products

I wanted to write about my favorite cruelty free products for both home and face. I’ve worked hard on transitioning my home cleaning products and body products. Even though It’s felt like a slow process, I can say that I’m proud of what I use.

I started looking for cruelty free products because testing on animals doesn’t sit right with me and I started looking into the vegan and animal-derived ingredients because have an egg allergy. It’s not an awful level but it still makes me sick when I consume it in medium to large levels. In changing what I put on my skin it has made it SO much healthier and happier.

I decided to split this into two parts so it’s less overwhelming.
Here is part one…Home.

I started this journey with discovering a fantastic website called Grove. Grove is a wonderful company that houses.

Through Grove I’m able to set, change and even skip customized orders that are delivered to my door monthly. I love that I can not only pick my products from multiple scents, but can also change the delivery date as often as I need to.

Here are my top favorite products that I love to use around my home. I’ve also included the scents that I’ve come back to more than once because I’ve enjoyed them so much.

Kitchen & bathroom

Mrs Meyer’s surface spray
Scent: Radish or Basil
Holiday Scents: Lowa Pine, Apple Cider

Mrs Meyer’s Hand soap
Scent: Radish or Basil
Holiday Scents: Lowa Pine, Apple Cider, Compassion Flower

(Mrs. Meyers products are not tested on animals nor are they made with animal-derived ingredients.)

Method power dish (pods)
Scent: Lemon Mint

Method glass and surface
Scent: Mint

Method antibac toilet (bowl cleaner)
Scent: Spearmint

(All Method products are vegan. They are environmentally-friendly and are certified to be 100% biodegradable; they are not tested on animals and are free from animal ingredients. However, they are not vegan-certified.)

Laundry

Seventh generation laundry detergent
Scent: Fresh Citrus
Seventh generation stain remover

(Although Seventh Generation is cruelty-free, they’re owned by Unilever, a company that tests on animals.)

Method fabric softener
Scent: Beach Sage

Grove site only

Caldrea linen & room spray
Scent: Sea salt neroli or
Pear blossom agave

(Caldrea is both vegan and not tested on animals.)

Glass soap dispenser &
Glass spray bottle

Stoneware tray (white)

By using my referral link you can get a 5-piece cleaning set of scents your choice and it will give you VIP status for 60days for free.

referral link
https://www.grove.co/referrer/3253638/

Here are three great points that Grove shares on their website.
Doing no harm
As a Certified B Corporation, we are recognized as a business doing good for people, animals, communities, and the planet.

Treating the planet with care
We offer products that are gentler on the earth, prioritize post-consumer materials for packaging, and carbon offset every shipment that goes out our door.

Planting tomorrow’s forest
A portion of every Grove shipment goes to the Arbor Day Foundation to plant trees across the United States. We’re aiming to plant one million new trees over the next three years.

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(If ads appear please know that I do not choose them)

Dear Autumn

Dear Autumn,

You know you’ve been my favorite for a while. I’ve always been a bigger fan of the transitional seasons of Autumn and Spring. Isn’t it funny how we are okay with change and transition when we know it’s coming. It’s been a year since coffee shop closed and I can say I still miss it. Through this year I’ve tried a few jobs and none felt right…I knew nothing would be like Tully’s but wow did the abrupt end shake me for a while. 

Luckily now I feel more settled in my job than I’ve felt in a year. It’s still new but there was something about today, a shift in a good direction. 

You’ve brought some lovely things with you Autumn. Cozy blankets, cups of tea and coffee, musicals, books and music. I feel like I found a part of myself again, like finding your favorite CD that you misplaced. You’ve jump started my creative soul and I can’t thank you enough for that. The kitchen and my Kia are once again my two stages where I finally get to play the lead. (Don’t worry the big notes are for the Kia so I don’t scare the neighbors) 

So since we are chatting I’d love to share my favorite moments that I’ve had with so far…you know since this season has only really just begun. 

Most days I love cold drinks but I’ve been enjoying a warm cup of coffee. I add a touch of pumpkin pie spice, a splash of milk and to me it’s perfect. I’ve also added a cup of Twinings peppermint herbal tea here and there. Thank goodness target has Twinings tea. It may sound silly but it’s those little things that help me feel still connected to London. 

I got to spend a Saturday with my guys sharing something I love….a musical. I’m so very thankful that Broadway Across America is a thing and that is reaches Seattle. I had my Dad (who is my go to theater buddy) and my love with me. (for him this was his first live musical) We saw Waitress the musical and it was amazing. Jeremy Morse stole the show as Ogie. 

I decided to start back on audible.com after a year break and I’m SO glad I came back to it because I listened to two wonderful books. (I love YA books)

I first listened to On the other side by Carrie Hope Fletcher. I have been a fan of hers for many years on YouTube, so it made the book even better that she read it herself. I love when authors give their voice to their audiobooks. If you love a good love story with all the emotions and a bit of magic you’ll love this. I have to say I loved it so much and it made me sob. Just amazing. 

The book I just finished is the best one I’ve read in a while. What if it’s us by Adam Silvera & Becky Albertalli. As a theater nerd and someone that loved the Love Simon movie this book was simply perfection. I can’t explain how much I loved it.

Also A star is born was incredible and I will be seeing it again. Highly recommend. **Warning bring tissues and wear waterproof or no makeup…but like in the best way it’s great. 

Autumn thank you for reactivating my creative side. Please do stay awhile, if I know you you’ll be leaving all too soon. I’ll be enjoying every minute that we have. 

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(If ads appear please know that I do not choose them)

A latte & a prayer

And just like that…

I changed with the seasons

Guilt sat in my stomach as the negativity hit my heart and another day passed.

“Suck it up” I told myself quietly. “You’re an adult now and you can’t just leave a job”. Anyways, It’s rare that people love their jobs”.

The only problem was there was a time where I loved my job. The people and my teammates. (well 13 out of 15 of them)

I’m not saying it was perfect but it was damn close towards the end there. We were friends, we were a team and we cared about each other.

I’ve spent the past five months at a job that felt as if it was vampire sucking the joy, energy and positivity out of me. Leaving me with negativity and both physically and emotionally exhausted. With only one work friend to cling on I was often left feeling isolated when he wasn’t there. Unrecognized and under appreciated, work crept it’s way into all other areas of my life. I just wanted a job where everyone cared about the quality of work (not just two of us) where there was team work and where everyone cared.

Having had a few jobs between the new cafe and my old coffee shop that I loved. I tried so hard at this job for months trying to make lemons into lemonade in fear of having to start over yet again. What would people think or say? Oh she’s never happy or content in a job, she job hops or again really girl get it together.

Last Friday I worked my last shift at the cafe. I honestly felt a bit in disbelief and guilty for leaving my friend behind in the mess. I had the weekend off before starting my new job.

My. Life. Changed.

Maybe it was a combination of things, a perfect storm in the best of ways. I didn’t ask questions….I was just overwhelmed with thankfulness. I’m writing this Thursday night and I’m still thankful.

Firstly Saturday I went with my favorite men (my guy and my Dad) to see a musical downtown. Not only had it been two years since I’d seen a show but it had been a long time since I’d been in the busy city. The show was incredible and even more than I thought it would be. All of the emotions and feelings. Musicals have always made my heart happy but things changed. It’s as if they just clicked back into place.

Between Sunday and Monday the seasons clicked and air changed becoming crisp. Like the trendy stereotype, Fall is my favorite. It is when I feel everything begins again.

The autumnal air danced passed me reminding me what peace felt like.

And. I. Breathed. Again.

Okay yes I understand that it sounds rather dramatic but it’s truly how it felt to me. I felt as if it had been months since I had fully exhaled. Not just that but fully breathed in deeply. And it wasn’t for lack of trying in those months believe me.

My first few days at my new job have been so lovely. I’ve learned a lot, people have been nice and helpful and the time flies by. I know it’s super early to tell but I feel so much better here…more like myself.

This week I feel like I’ve found myself again. There’s not a dark negative cloud over me. My anxiety isn’t living under the surface waiting and my body isn’t nearly as tense. It feels like coming home in a way.

This is my moment to tell you. Do not stay in a job where you are wildly unhappy. If it negatively spills into your other life areas, spills toxic waste into your heart and leaves you with a level of depression it’s time for a change. I’m not saying jump out of a job without a net but listen to your heart and body.

Ultimately, push out the fear of what you think others will say and stay true to yourself.

Forever Calling

This time four years ago, I set off on a adventure that changed me forever.

With one of my oldest friends by my side, we began the journey to England.

This trip held a lot of firsts for me.

First trip without someone in family, first time out of the country and first time relying on myself to navigate…well my friend for the directions most of the time to be honest.

I owe a good amount to my friend for she ignited the love of travel in me. I learned so much from her. I remember looking at her as we switched tube lines, her fearlessness and confidence were matching shinning lights from within. I wish I thanked her more throughout the trip. I think my younger self was overwhelmed with taking it all in.

Our flat in Cartwright Gardens, London.

What a small charming place! Our flat was tiny but made me fall in love with minimalism, realizing what I really needed and that excess weighed me down.

People zoom by with things to do yet without stress, others sit at a cafe pausing to catch up with someone they know. It’s all of the simple complexities of how they live life. Traveling through the streets of London, I felt an independence like I never had before….it’s like my soul felt free.

Four years… and I still miss it.

Waterloo captured my heart like no other place and I pray that I’ll get to walk through it’s streets again.

An apology

I’m sorry. So sorry.

For the times when you were hungry and I didn’t feed you. For those moments when you treat yourself to cake or something unhealthy and feel eyes judging you. When you finish the cake or burger and your heart sinks a bit…when I say why did you do that?

For whispering in your ear “don’t you wish you were the type that could throw up”.

You’ve always been curvy.

I know sometimes when you try on clothes you grab a bigger size, so you can let yourself swim in the fabric and have a small fake victory when you can wear a size smaller.

I’m sorry. So sorry.

For those moments when I see you looking in the mirror and I pick apart everything that’s wrong.

I’m sorry. So sorry.

For those moments when anxiety rips you apart, making negative mountains out of every “failure”.

For taking taking every insecurity that you have and throwing it in your face, kicking the anxiety up a notch to a panic attack.

I’m sorry. So sorry.

For sometimes holding joy away from you.

For those moments when you’ve given all you have and instead of handing you peace or joy, I had you a list of all the things you didn’t do.

For keeping you up at night.

For whispering in your ear when someone is cruel or wrong to you that you must have done something wrong.

I’m sorry. So sorry.

For apologizing over and over to others…while in doing so I’m making you feel smaller and smaller.

For not telling you that you matter more often.

For not giving you time to heal.

For judging you.

For putting everyone else above you.

For not telling you all of your positive qualities more often.

For telling you that the bad things that have happened to you are because you’re not enough.

For not celebrating your victories more.

For not telling you that I love you more.

I’m sorry. So sorry.

I’m sorry self. So sorry.

I will let you be imperfect.

I will let you find joy again and again.

I will treat you better.

I will love you more.

I will celebrate you more.

I will let you speak up more.

I will help you. I will do better.

I will treat you as good as I treat other people.

I will cut you some slack.

I will try and stop picking you apart.

I will remind you to not give a shit about what the world thinks about you.

I will invest and be active in my self care.

And it starts in this letter to myself.

The girl who felt too much

A little girl skipped towards her parents on a Sunday afternoon after learning more about God’s endless love…though she didn’t quite understand what endless meant.

Being the youngest she had a desperate desire to be heard, filling the silence with all of the words she wasn’t able to fit in earlier that day.

She didn’t seek attention to boast with some greedy intention. She simply wanted the satisfaction of being part of the reason others laughed, or felt the warmth of her kindness.

She became addicted to giving that kindness and often times would end up hurt, her heart was the casualty. Rejection felt like a deep punch of “you are just not enough”. Rejection of her efforts, her friendship, her affection, her time, her words and voice. Sometimes other’s actions read “You are just not enough”.

And every time it knocked the wind out of her. She would always be willing to work herself to the bone to prevent the possibility of not being good enough. Worthy of the pat on the back, the romantic gesture, the time, the kind words and the “thank you’s”…the ability to exhale.

Why is it that she forgets about God’s endless love? How does the human inadequacy speak louder than the hum and whisper of God’s comfort?

“Confidence is quiet, insecurities are loud.”

The doubts become so loud that we often miss the gentle hum of love that is always on, that forever remains, that never leaves us and that always ensures that we are enough. In all the noise of five levels of panic, the chaos in our hearts drown the hum…though it always remains.

That one song comes on, your friend reminds you, in his smile and embrace hold all of your brokenness, the ocean breeze…

the uncomfortable quietness shifts into calm and contentment. The love washes over and the hum is heard.

The questions you left behind

“Cuz what if everyone saw?
What if everyone knew?”
You’ve heard “you’re not alone” but you don’t feel the support or peace.

You’ve heard “the sun will rise” but right now you can’t see the end of the darkness.

So fogged by the intense amount of crushing pain, your mind won’t stop as endless questions stack up without answers to clear them….the weight continues.

You don’t see the end where the story gets good again and the carefree happy song plays in the background assuring you that all is now well.

All your “what if” questions and your “why” questions. You ask “how do I make this all go away?” You’ve reached out for help and it partly gets you by but it doesn’t feel like enough.

So to shut out your crushing questions and to shut out the never ending voice, you plan. You justify. You plan because it FEELS like a resolution. It gives you an inauthentic peace because you forgot what real peace feels like. The peace you craved and didn’t believe you could find or get. The numbness fakes peace. So one last time you’ll feel again but only under your control….

Maybe you thought about who you were leaving behind. Maybe you thought about what they would think, do or feel once you were gone. Maybe that’s the only way you felt important again. Maybe in your fog you couldn’t imagine any pain other than the weight of your own.

It may feel like fake wanna be words but you were NOT alone. So many people have felt the way you did. So many people that cared and loved. So many that would have done anything to help you. If you would have said something. If we would have known.

The questions that weighed you didn’t stop…they morphed into new questions that you left for us.

I can answer a few questions.

You were loved. Your smile brought a smile even though your dog always barked at me. Your life had more meaning than you ever thought. You’re thought of. You will be missed.

Dear ones,
You matter so much to more people than you will ever be able to comprehend. There is help. There is a light and the darkness can end EVEN when it feels like there’s no possible way. You will be found again. You are loved.

24 hour suicide hotline 1-800-273-8255

https://twloha.com/find-help/local-resources/

Twenty Nine

I am 29…
I’ve heard people say the standard “years old”, some say “years young” but I heard and love “years bold”. 

Though it might sound cheesy, which it did to me at first it also made me think. We as humans and Americans are so fixed on staying young/looking young. Why are we do we fear getting older? Looking older? Acting older? 

Now that the day celebrating my birth is over I am feeling reflective…no surprise there. 

Why do we want to hide gray hairs and laugh lines? Why are we so stuck on what we used to be able to do verses now? Sometimes I find myself bummed that I can’t dance like I used to… But you know what that was when I danced four days a week how could I stay the same nowadays? Do you know what I do better nowadays instead? I cook better, I sing better (i noticed this in my car in the sunshine today) and you know that’s a better trade in my eyes. 

So instead of freaking out that next year I’m 30 and all the things I wish and wanted to be done by then, I’m going to focus on the things I have done. 

I’ve traveled. I’ve been outside the country and fallen in love with Waterloo. I’ve seen shows on Broadway and stood in times square with my Dad. 

29 years bold. I’m bolder and thank God for that. I’m still a peacemaker but I stand up for myself so much more than before. I speak my mind more freely. I have a lower tolerance for people’s BS. I’m a better listener and a better friend. I’m better at being kindly honest when in the moment, before I would have said something just to please people. I have found that I feel most fulfilled when I’m investing time into others, showing them kindness, love and support.  

I’ve finally stopped picking apart my body with a critical eye in the mirror. Yes things can always look and be better but I’m okay where I am and my health matters more than how I look. I’m so much better at balancing different life tasks and such. Also in that, I’m better at seeing that I’m starting to get unbalanced or run down and need to self care a bit. I’m better at pausing. I’m better at noticing/ figuring out what makes me anxious. I still suck dealing with silence and quiet…but I’m imperfect, so that’s okay:) 

I’m finally happy and peaceful in my current life season. Yes I’m excited for the next chapter but I’m not living just for it, I’m being present and living in this moment. 

So this is me another year older, a bit bolder and fully embracing my smile and laugh lines.