Forever Calling

This time four years ago, I set off on a adventure that changed me forever.

With one of my oldest friends by my side, we began the journey to England.

This trip held a lot of firsts for me.

First trip without someone in family, first time out of the country and first time relying on myself to navigate…well my friend for the directions most of the time to be honest.

I owe a good amount to my friend for she ignited the love of travel in me. I learned so much from her. I remember looking at her as we switched tube lines, her fearlessness and confidence were matching shinning lights from within. I wish I thanked her more throughout the trip. I think my younger self was overwhelmed with taking it all in.

Our flat in Cartwright Gardens, London.

What a small charming place! Our flat was tiny but made me fall in love with minimalism, realizing what I really needed and that excess weighed me down.

People zoom by with things to do yet without stress, others sit at a cafe pausing to catch up with someone they know. It’s all of the simple complexities of how they live life. Traveling through the streets of London, I felt an independence like I never had before….it’s like my soul felt free.

Four years… and I still miss it.

Waterloo captured my heart like no other place and I pray that I’ll get to walk through it’s streets again.

An apology

I’m sorry. So sorry.

For the times when you were hungry and I didn’t feed you. For those moments when you treat yourself to cake or something unhealthy and feel eyes judging you. When you finish the cake or burger and your heart sinks a bit…when I say why did you do that?

For whispering in your ear “don’t you wish you were the type that could throw up”.

You’ve always been curvy.

I know sometimes when you try on clothes you grab a bigger size, so you can let yourself swim in the fabric and have a small fake victory when you can wear a size smaller.

I’m sorry. So sorry.

For those moments when I see you looking in the mirror and I pick apart everything that’s wrong.

I’m sorry. So sorry.

For those moments when anxiety rips you apart, making negative mountains out of every “failure”.

For taking taking every insecurity that you have and throwing it in your face, kicking the anxiety up a notch to a panic attack.

I’m sorry. So sorry.

For sometimes holding joy away from you.

For those moments when you’ve given all you have and instead of handing you peace or joy, I had you a list of all the things you didn’t do.

For keeping you up at night.

For whispering in your ear when someone is cruel or wrong to you that you must have done something wrong.

I’m sorry. So sorry.

For apologizing over and over to others…while in doing so I’m making you feel smaller and smaller.

For not telling you that you matter more often.

For not giving you time to heal.

For judging you.

For putting everyone else above you.

For not telling you all of your positive qualities more often.

For telling you that the bad things that have happened to you are because you’re not enough.

For not celebrating your victories more.

For not telling you that I love you more.

I’m sorry. So sorry.

I’m sorry self. So sorry.

I will let you be imperfect.

I will let you find joy again and again.

I will treat you better.

I will love you more.

I will celebrate you more.

I will let you speak up more.

I will help you. I will do better.

I will treat you as good as I treat other people.

I will cut you some slack.

I will try and stop picking you apart.

I will remind you to not give a shit about what the world thinks about you.

I will invest and be active in my self care.

And it starts in this letter to myself.

The girl who felt too much

A little girl skipped towards her parents on a Sunday afternoon after learning more about God’s endless love…though she didn’t quite understand what endless meant.

Being the youngest she had a desperate desire to be heard, filling the silence with all of the words she wasn’t able to fit in earlier that day.

She didn’t seek attention to boast with some greedy intention. She simply wanted the satisfaction of being part of the reason others laughed, or felt the warmth of her kindness.

She became addicted to giving that kindness and often times would end up hurt, her heart was the casualty. Rejection felt like a deep punch of “you are just not enough”. Rejection of her efforts, her friendship, her affection, her time, her words and voice. Sometimes other’s actions read “You are just not enough”.

And every time it knocked the wind out of her. She would always be willing to work herself to the bone to prevent the possibility of not being good enough. Worthy of the pat on the back, the romantic gesture, the time, the kind words and the “thank you’s”…the ability to exhale.

Why is it that she forgets about God’s endless love? How does the human inadequacy speak louder than the hum and whisper of God’s comfort?

“Confidence is quiet, insecurities are loud.”

The doubts become so loud that we often miss the gentle hum of love that is always on, that forever remains, that never leaves us and that always ensures that we are enough. In all the noise of five levels of panic, the chaos in our hearts drown the hum…though it always remains.

That one song comes on, your friend reminds you, in his smile and embrace hold all of your brokenness, the ocean breeze…

the uncomfortable quietness shifts into calm and contentment. The love washes over and the hum is heard.

Love after the pain

She’s imperfect, but she tries.
I never knew the hold they had on me…
The scar they left I always laughed them off. Humor helped. Humor, sarcasm and jokes laugh so hard at the truth you don’t see the pain underneath.  

These scars show you where I’ve been. 
I never understood why it was so painful to me when someone would reject me. It didn’t matter if it was something small or a huge breakup, it all felt intensely triggering to me. When someone rejects you when you’re young it holds a greater impact than I think people believe. Friends, family, significant others. All I wanted, needed and searched for was acceptance and support. I just wanted to be enough. They could be hurting you because they hurt in some way or by someone, but that doesn’t change the scar they leave you with and the impact that follows. They manipulate you, your emotions or the situation… I wish they knew what that abuse does over time to your heart. 

I searched in love bracing myself when things got too good, because someone a long time ago taught me with their actions that if the good is lasting then the ball drops soon. An insult, hurtful words, left in insulation. Then the ball of disappointment and pain drops, you saw it coming but it still leaves you in shock. The ball leaves but the damage sets in and you can’t stand the wreckage so you clean up the mess they left you in and use it to build a wall. 

The wall is built of “t’s” little and big Triggers. It’s a tone, a look, a joke, a song, a smell, a name or a neighborhood and it instantly flashes you right back head first SMACK! Into the wall of triggers….

geez why can’t she just take a joke…

God why am I still not over this. 

Their rejection made you feel small then and it instantly makes you feel small all over again. You may be older and wiser but the pain is just as intense as the very first time.   

Some say love is a feeling but I think love is truth. Truth and a choice. 

I think they thought they loved me and one thought he needed to love me but couldn’t. A good friend pointed it out one day and looking back it made everything click.
“I asked you what you love about her, all you’ve said are things that you love that she brings out in you.” They didn’t love who I was, they loved who I made them.

I didn’t truly see or understand that until someone came into my life and showed me what a relationship should be. His actions of support, his childlike laughter and compassionate heart. He doesn’t push away my weird, he supports it knowing there is a reason underneath. He knows my tears over small things aren’t due to over sensitivity but due to having a big heart. He embraces me somehow knowing what I need when I need it and so honest that I never have to question his intention.

The way he, my parents and those closest to me love, understand and support me in a way that I feel safe again. Scars and triggers still present but I know that I can run into arms and in that embrace the pain will slowly melt away.

Love is truth.

It’s not the best version of a perfectly posed picture posted online. It’s not a perfectly written post about how amazing you think they are and the world needs to know.

Love is in the daily routine. It’s when you laugh together until no sound comes out. It’s when you have a track record of killing plants no matter how hard you try and you bring home something in a pot and you say “don’t worry it’s fake” and he says “I know”.

Love is not proud, it’s humble.
Love is a choice.

Love is a choice daily to say I love you through it all. Your snoring, my struggle through my own imperfections, jobs, family, money or lack there of, sadness and days when dinner went weird and tacobell saves the night.

Do small things with great love. 

Digital pocket influence

How can we turn so easily from carefree to worry, with a simple small flick just like a light switch?

I saw a picture the other day shared on Facebook of a couple, it was sweet showing their love. What made me think was a comment below, “#RelationshipGoals”. I’ll be honest my first thought was sarcastic, I thought “well anyone can look happy for one picture” but then my heart thought about the young girl commenting.

She sees that and it could be lighthearted but what if it’s deeper than that? What if she’s lonely wishing she had that? She feels like she’s doing something wrong or isn’t good enough to have that? What if she feels incomplete because she is without that? Or maybe it’s that she wishes her partner would take pictures like that with her?

Now what may sound like I’m over thinking it BUT it is true to a level. Did you see your friend post a picture of a a few friends on a trip and feel a small twinge wishing you were there? Have you seen or heard things that made you feel like you needed to do more or feel bummed out about yourself?

In this digitally driven world we are able to connect to more people than ever and we can share our thoughts about every little thing. We are reminded of birthdays of the very important people we met that one time at that friend of a friend’s dinner party, thank goodness because it would be SO embarrassing if we forgot to post on their “wall”.

We can share anything and we tend to share way too much. Yet, it’s never enough. Someone is always traveling to an amazing new place, they get engaged, went to that cool concert, had a freaking adorable baby, have better gym before and after pictures, their house looks like Chip and Joanna Gaines fixed it up for them, heck their dinner plates look better than yours too!

We compare our every day Monday through Friday survival crawl to these small moments of perfection in staged lighting. Dang we’ve gotta get it together because look at that person.

The question we are scared to ask is, if they all saw the gritty truth, the worst day, the low moments, the depression, the stress, the messy other side of the room, that you forgot to paint your nails, that panic attack, that dinner came out of a box, the hurt, the longing, the moments when you came up short, when you forgot, when you messed up…..would they still be there? We are so scared to be real, to be wrong…to not be liked.

The thing is we are all a little bit broken. We have the ability to connect 24/7 but we are lonely. The connection less connecting is effecting our lives and relationships for we compare them all. Our homes, cars, bodies, friends, jobs, talents, abilities, everything.

This pursuit of perfection spins us out of balance as we chase it and it moves us farther and farther from inner contentment and self worth. When did we start trading our priceless peace, for posts and pictures? How do we find our balance between sharing and caring too much and not at all? How will we teach ourselves not to measure our worth by our digital pocket influence? What can I do to adjust and find my balance?

For those who need it.
You look good, no one saw you trip, your smile made someone’s day, you’re not alone even when the loneliness seems overwhelming, the hurt will heal, the night will end, good days will come, you are loved, you are worth it, you matter even when you feel as if you don’t, you will be found.

Feels like home

I wasn’t looking for you…or so that’s the lie I tell myself. They say you find someone when you stop looking but the thing is, I have never stopped. Looking, hoping, praying and somehow missing you without yet knowing you.
(Okay maybe that sounds a bit level five clinger but my heart has yearned people)
I believe I was multitasking. Working on myself while keeping my eye out in a way.

Is it too soon to say all this? Probably to most people. Although the thing is, I stopped feeling scared to be my true self a long time ago. Authentic, bold, transparent and elegantly forward. (My own way of saying I bluntly tell my truth in a kind and for the most part classy way)

I thought I was open to romantic love again not too long ago. Looking back now I was still too guarded and healing to be truly open. Parts of the emotional scab was still there. Now, I see where my scar is still tender….but you don’t seem to mind.

First the part that you say I don’t need to say, but I feel that I do. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that my past triggers pop up in somewhat random places. I know my scar isn’t big but to me it feels like it stretches over many of my ribs. You see I can separate the logic of what happened to me and speak about it without emotional effort. The other part. The random trip you up sharp pain called a “trigger”. (I think we should make a new word “painger” pain + anger…I think it would explain well because they are one when it comes to past hurts.)

The trigger feels like this: it’s like walking around the corner seeing someone you once knew and them slapping you across the face. What do you feel?
Feeling #1) Startled + Adrenaline
Feeling #2) Scared + Pain + Panic
Feeling #3) Shock + Confusion
Feeling #4) Defense + Anger + Fight (inner)
Feeling #5) Frustration + (self) Disappointment + Sadness
Feeling #6) (self) Forgiveness + Calm
And life restarts in a way like a hard reset. I feel like the trigger feelings stay the same over time but you just feel them at different speeds for different amounts of time.

Now to you sir. You tell me that you have patience for all my scars. I write this with a tear because I actually know now that you mean that. I always hoped you did. I’ve been told so many false things before that it makes believing out of the gate hard, but you are somehow not in a hurry. Your calm strength in your patience with this makes me feel worth it and important. Your words and actions together make me feel like I matter.

For the first time I don’t feel as if I’m too much or misunderstood while with someone. I feel known. Suddenly it all clicks together fitting like a puzzle. It’s your quick and quirky humor, kind and powerfully passionate heart and ever giving nature that sent my heart beating fast in all directions at once.

I didn’t know it was you that my heart missed and I didn’t know you would be the one that I needed but sweetheart I am so glad.
I didn’t know that I could feel complete comfort and content, while also feeling that playfully passionate spark.

I don’t feel this deep need to be understood, for when I look into your eyes, I feel that I am home.
The place where I’m known.

Echoes within your heart

“Cause I learn to slam on the break before I even turn the key, before I make the mistake, before I lead with the worst of me. I never let them see the worst of me.” (Dear Evan Hansen) 
I feel an odd and different kind of broken. I guess not so much broken as so very found that I almost feel lost in it.
The easiest way to put it is I now see the gap of difference between someone listening to you and someone hearing you. Listening to respond and listening to hear…listening to know.
The difference of caring and caring for the contents of someone’s heart and well being.

I guess I have a frustration with the fact that so many people don’t care enough to want to know you deeply. The part of you that really matters, the hub of where you operate, the heart and soul that make you…you.

My overly empathetic heart aches for this deep connection. I know I can always grow closer to God and strengthen that relationship and I’ve been investing in friendships. But there’s this longing that sneaks up on me at times, this magnetic pull to be known. That person you dream of to connect with on this amazing level, invest in their personal growth, to love and be loved for all the odd pieces. That person that falls in love with the essence of who you are at your core…your soul.

My heart feels so big that it’s as if even I don’t know where the bottom is…in this area I feel too deep for my own good. I’ve given all of me and been hurt so deeply before, the cuts are healed but the scars remind me to stop before I give too much…or even when I feel myself almost want to because I now stop and wonder if that person even cares enough to hear my heart at its freest movement. 

If you feel “too much” or too deep for your own good raise your hand. *raises two hands* The lyric comes to mind….
“Day after day. Give me clouds and rain and gray. Give me pain if that’s what’s real, it’s the price we pay to feel” 
(Next to normal)

In the Polaroid big picture of my life, I guess I’m still waiting for the answers of why this corner hasn’t developed fully yet. 

I never knew your heart could ache yet not be broken. 
One of my favorite quotes is “Our hearts are our songs“…until that chapter comes, I will let my song play. Let it echo and even ache. 
Rest in a comfort of knowing that God knows every corner of my heart, He knows my song… He knows what I truly need even when I do not. 

Autumnal beginnings

Fall is my favorite time of the year. The season of rainfall, hot tea, knee high boots, crisp air and gorgeous colored trees. From October to April I’m in love with the transitions into the seasons, the holidays, new beginnings, all of it.
Though there are things I’m still unsure of and some paths I haven’t chosen yet, I am found and complete within myself.

The picture that gets painted isn’t always pretty, light and perfect. I wouldn’t want it to be that way because to be “perfect” it would be lifeless. I have this thought that seems to keep popping up lately and I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t have a deep question to ask. 😉

In past relationships I’ve felt like I had to over explain myself because we were so very different. I thought if I somehow explain more or differently, he will understand me and empathize or even just sympathize.
In small moments the quietness sometimes pushes darkness in and draws the questions. Will I say “I’m a deep feeling, creative extrovert” and not one person will understand the truth depth of it all? It makes me wonder…
“Can you ever be fully known by someone else?”

There are these kicker of moments when I miss feeling safe in someone’s arms, to just be held for a while. In those moments a question will echo, “Will I be known?” Honestly It has been years since I’ve felt that way.
To be truly safe, embraced and understood.
Other than losing my loved ones, my greatest fear is for people to not care enough to understand who I really am deep down. I feel complete in myself and with God but yet I still ache for something.
Whether it be in a partner, a friend or family member, Are we ever fully known by another person?

I feel God’s embrace and the whispers in my heart; You are safe, you are loved, you are understood and the way you are isn’t wrong. God knows my needs and the desires of my heart. I know that there is a big reason of why I feel so deeply. I just have yet to read that chapter I guess.
So here is to the new season full of questions, answers and buckets of joy ahead.

An Ocean Away

“Pain is mandatory, suffering is optional”

He judged me a lot, I wasn’t the by the book Christian. I cuss sometimes and I’m open about my imperfections, but at least I’m real and honest. To me the relationship part of faith is most important, not how perfect you can appear in life or look on paper. I believe in living by example. I don’t preach at people because I know what it feels like.
In April a girl I thought was a close friend told me I needed to stay married, she told me I wasn’t close enough to God and I just need more time in prayer. I was told to process my “frustration” in private. Basically to be silent and accept the lies.

“Happily ever after” was one of the darkest times in my life, to the point where I didn’t recognize the girl in the mirror. The bubbly hopeless romantic girl was gone, my reflection showed a broken girl physically sick from being fed too many lies. I signed up for a contemporary fairytale, but my “knight in shinning armor” up close was a fraud in foil.

“Thought I wasn’t enough and I wasn’t so tough
Laying on the bathroom floor
We were living on a fault line
And I felt the fault was all mine
Couldn’t take it any more
By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn’t gonna let love take me out
That way.” (By the grace of God – Katy Perry)

I share where I’ve been to show you how far I’ve come. To be restored you must first be broken. God says “I loved you at your darkest” (Romans 5:8). I know that to be true. You see just about all my past relationships, I have not felt like I was enough based on their actions. None fought to keep me, making me believe I wasn’t worth fighting for. My marriage wasn’t any different. My self worth shattered because not even my husband thought I was important enough to…you can fill in the blank because I probably thought it.

“If a woman has a choice of saving her soul or saving her marriage she needs to save her soul.” (Glennon Doyle Melton)

One day I woke up and decided I would fight for myself, I would save myself. My life wasn’t over and so I kept living. I placed my heart in God’s hands, only He could hold and repair something so broken. In lonely moments I’d think “I just want a man who I can trust, who embraces all of me.” I felt so desperate for a man to accept me because I couldn’t accept myself. I needed someone to teach me how to love myself again.

If I fought for myself before in my weakness, am I not capable of fighting my own battles?
If I don’t learn to embrace myself I won’t be able to be open to God showing me the love I can have. In a quiet moment I felt God’s embrace and heard Him softly say “I know the desires of your heart, don’t worry about the timing.”

I looked at things all wrong before. I was waiting for my life to begin, waiting for a knight in shinning armor to start our love story. Only God can heal, teach and love as deeply as I need. He wouldn’t have created a heart like mine with such depth and capability if there wasn’t a counter part.

The most important part of that is if he is for me, he must be in a genuine pursuit of God’s heart in order to procure mine.

“Don’t worry about the timing”, I’ve changed the plot. Lord I’m giving this to you which I should have done a long time ago. If I’m blessed with my love story, let it begin in the trenches, where we both are fighting for our own progress and see a teammate in the mud of real life.

He’s an ocean away or a moment away.
Either way I’m here, walking with God and content happy in my own skin…finally.

Things I’ll know next time

After talking to a friend today I had this overwhelming feeling to write.
I’ve never felt such a pull to write that I couldn’t wait to get home.
I learned SO much in the ending of my last relationship. I’m not one to be ashamed of my mistakes for they have taught me valuable things. If the wisdom I’ve gained in my past pain can help someone else, that makes things worth it. I walked through fire and ice, I wouldn’t wish the dark pain I felt on my enemy.
I truly believe that my past will make me a better wife. So for you friend here are some things I wish I knew before and I’ll be sure to talk through with my future husband.

(The first two things involve some fun test time. These tests help you unlock a much greater understanding of how you and your partner operate. I find knowing these is also very helpful in close friends as well)

Love languages
A fantastic book called the five love languages by Gary Chapman.
Love is a language and everyone speaks it a little differently. The idea is to know your needs and how you speak what your language is and learning your partners. Making the effort to speak their language, understanding what makes them feel truly loved.

Personally I am a Words Of Affirmation girl, shocking I know. It’s no secret by my writing that I’m a big communicator, words mean a great deal to me. I am also a Physical Touch person, I’m a hugger and a touchy feely person. I crave the closeness and a thoughtful small touch means a lot.
I am super simple, just hug me and tell me that you think I’m pretty.
(My family jokes about that because there’s such truth in it)

**Here’s the link for you
http://www.5lovelanguages.com

Myers Briggs personality test
I feel like through taking the Myers Briggs test you really unlock big pieces of yourself. It’s important to know your strengths and weaknesses and vice versa. Very helpful to really look into and almost studying. I’m not the girl I was a year ago my personality has changed a little in my growth but it’s no surprise that I’m still 94% extrovert.

Extrovert
iNtuitive
Feeling
Judging

**Here’s the link for you
http://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test

How you recharge
Yes you can be with someone who recharges differently it’s just important that both people understand and respect that.
This is broken down to a basic question. Are you an introvert or extrovert?

Introvert meaning you are energized by spending time alone, at home or in secluded places.
Or
Extrovert someone who recharges their energy by being around people.
Doesn’t mind being alone, but prefers the company of others.

Communication styles
I am a communicative person and also a verbal processor.
(No that’s not something in a computer)
Being a verbal processor means that I talk through (or write through) my thoughts. Talking out loud as they say. Where this gets tricky is when people try to give advice or “fix” situations that I’m in the moment of processing through. In those moments us VPs don’t need a fix it man with a plan, we just need a listening ear and conformation on parts you agree with. Don’t worry if we need help we are very verbal about it. 😉
And sometimes I feel like printing a T shirt that says “I’m a verbal processor, deal with it! It’s you’re responsibility to keep up. ”

How you see God
A big question with many answers. Do you see God as a judge and nothing more? If so my heart hurts that you don’t know the compassionate, loving leader that I know.
Know that I will not judge you or tell you the kind of faith that you should have. I will never tell you that you need to be a stronger Christian. (I know what that feels like and it’s more damaging than people know)
I’m not going to compare our levels of faith. For none of those things are my place.
All I want is us to walk life together with a faith and love for God.

Finances
Not always a fun thing to talk about but important. It’s not so much about how much a person makes, but having the conversations about how and when you pay bills. Do you tithe is so what percent do you feel comfortable with? Is saving a certain amount important? Talking before spending $50 and higher?
How do you feel about credit cards and do you have any? How much debt do you have and is it a high goal of yours to be debt free? What to you is worth investing more money in? (Things like food quality, cable, date nights or vacations) Things worth taking the time to be on the same page about and talking again if things have or need to change.

Parenting
Not the basic “no I don’t want kids” or “yes I want kids and this is how many”. It’s talking about your parenting styles and nonnegotiables.
What’s important to you and what can you compromise on?

Most importantly if you feel like you have to walk on eggshells,
if you feel yourself slowly slipping away, if feel yourself building up walls,
don’t ignore those feelings as small as they may seem they are flags.
Love doesn’t dim your inner light, it magnifies it.