Twenty Nine

I am 29…
I’ve heard people say the standard “years old”, some say “years young” but I heard and love “years bold”. 

Though it might sound cheesy, which it did to me at first it also made me think. We as humans and Americans are so fixed on staying young/looking young. Why are we do we fear getting older? Looking older? Acting older? 

Now that the day celebrating my birth is over I am feeling reflective…no surprise there. 

Why do we want to hide gray hairs and laugh lines? Why are we so stuck on what we used to be able to do verses now? Sometimes I find myself bummed that I can’t dance like I used to… But you know what that was when I danced four days a week how could I stay the same nowadays? Do you know what I do better nowadays instead? I cook better, I sing better (i noticed this in my car in the sunshine today) and you know that’s a better trade in my eyes. 

So instead of freaking out that next year I’m 30 and all the things I wish and wanted to be done by then, I’m going to focus on the things I have done. 

I’ve traveled. I’ve been outside the country and fallen in love with Waterloo. I’ve seen shows on Broadway and stood in times square with my Dad. 

29 years bold. I’m bolder and thank God for that. I’m still a peacemaker but I stand up for myself so much more than before. I speak my mind more freely. I have a lower tolerance for people’s BS. I’m a better listener and a better friend. I’m better at being kindly honest when in the moment, before I would have said something just to please people. I have found that I feel most fulfilled when I’m investing time into others, showing them kindness, love and support.  

I’ve finally stopped picking apart my body with a critical eye in the mirror. Yes things can always look and be better but I’m okay where I am and my health matters more than how I look. I’m so much better at balancing different life tasks and such. Also in that, I’m better at seeing that I’m starting to get unbalanced or run down and need to self care a bit. I’m better at pausing. I’m better at noticing/ figuring out what makes me anxious. I still suck dealing with silence and quiet…but I’m imperfect, so that’s okay:) 

I’m finally happy and peaceful in my current life season. Yes I’m excited for the next chapter but I’m not living just for it, I’m being present and living in this moment. 

So this is me another year older, a bit bolder and fully embracing my smile and laugh lines. 

Autumnal changes

As the door shut a familiar loud click of the lock followed. A chapter suddenly ended with no way to return for the badge I had held for five years was taken. 

Mid September sent a shift for several changes at once. A testimony I had given was wrongfully edited and played without my knowledge or approval. Things were taken out of context to paint things untruthfully, specifically incorrect and against what I’ve grown to stand for as a person. I was completely shocked and deeply hurt. Causing me to step away from a church that I trusted and that I felt at home in. Honestly it shook my faith a bit. 

The week following the company I’ve been a part of for the past five years cut ties with it’s biggest contract forcing half of the companies locations to spontaneously begin to close. The information going to the customers in the middle of the day before the girls and caused shock, confusion, phone calls and so many tears all before noon. 

We had less than two weeks to close up and busy doesn’t begin to cover how those last days were. We just had to hold it together through the crazy rushes, constant questions, confrontations, running out of product and running out of time. Unanswered questions, yelling, crying, cussing, pity and adrenaline. That was Tuesday, we still had to survive until 10pm Friday. I’m proud to say my core girls stuck together until the end. 

Since that door closed I got a job that I had to leave and have been physically sick. I think it’s normal to dislike the unknown, but I feel financial unknown adds a different anxiety to the mix. I miss seeing the girls that I’ve become so close to since I’d gotten used to seeing them everyday. So friends I guess what I have to say is I feel a little lost. 
Why is it always that we try and fail our first five plans before we ask or lean on God. I’m a believer that action with prayer can open doors….why is it that it isn’t my first thought when a challenge rises up? 

Though I’m left without some answers I do have: amazingly wonderful people in my life, lessening anxiety and my faith is growing back to its normal state. That is still a good amount of progress. Plus in a week or so I will be Shameless(ly) singing about having Friends in Low Places. 

So I’m starting this chapter over again…
My favorite autumnal season and new life chapter…take two. 

“This is my confidence you’ve never failed me yet.”

Feels like home

I wasn’t looking for you…or so that’s the lie I tell myself. They say you find someone when you stop looking but the thing is, I have never stopped. Looking, hoping, praying and somehow missing you without yet knowing you.
(Okay maybe that sounds a bit level five clinger but my heart has yearned people)
I believe I was multitasking. Working on myself while keeping my eye out in a way.

Is it too soon to say all this? Probably to most people. Although the thing is, I stopped feeling scared to be my true self a long time ago. Authentic, bold, transparent and elegantly forward. (My own way of saying I bluntly tell my truth in a kind and for the most part classy way)

I thought I was open to romantic love again not too long ago. Looking back now I was still too guarded and healing to be truly open. Parts of the emotional scab was still there. Now, I see where my scar is still tender….but you don’t seem to mind.

First the part that you say I don’t need to say, but I feel that I do. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that my past triggers pop up in somewhat random places. I know my scar isn’t big but to me it feels like it stretches over many of my ribs. You see I can separate the logic of what happened to me and speak about it without emotional effort. The other part. The random trip you up sharp pain called a “trigger”. (I think we should make a new word “painger” pain + anger…I think it would explain well because they are one when it comes to past hurts.)

The trigger feels like this: it’s like walking around the corner seeing someone you once knew and them slapping you across the face. What do you feel?
Feeling #1) Startled + Adrenaline
Feeling #2) Scared + Pain + Panic
Feeling #3) Shock + Confusion
Feeling #4) Defense + Anger + Fight (inner)
Feeling #5) Frustration + (self) Disappointment + Sadness
Feeling #6) (self) Forgiveness + Calm
And life restarts in a way like a hard reset. I feel like the trigger feelings stay the same over time but you just feel them at different speeds for different amounts of time.

Now to you sir. You tell me that you have patience for all my scars. I write this with a tear because I actually know now that you mean that. I always hoped you did. I’ve been told so many false things before that it makes believing out of the gate hard, but you are somehow not in a hurry. Your calm strength in your patience with this makes me feel worth it and important. Your words and actions together make me feel like I matter.

For the first time I don’t feel as if I’m too much or misunderstood while with someone. I feel known. Suddenly it all clicks together fitting like a puzzle. It’s your quick and quirky humor, kind and powerfully passionate heart and ever giving nature that sent my heart beating fast in all directions at once.

I didn’t know it was you that my heart missed and I didn’t know you would be the one that I needed but sweetheart I am so glad.
I didn’t know that I could feel complete comfort and content, while also feeling that playfully passionate spark.

I don’t feel this deep need to be understood, for when I look into your eyes, I feel that I am home.
The place where I’m known.

Something in the water

“Keep your eyes on me. When you’re lost in the dark, when you can’t find your way home. Keep your eyes on me.”– Tim McGraw & Faith Hill

Do you ever walk through your day when all of the sudden you feel like you’ve been hit across face and heart at the same time…but in the best possible way? All the time right?:)

I’ve felt God’s presence and quiet voice lately, as if He’s waiting for me to finally get settled. Much like a parent waiting on their child as they get ready for bed at night. Are you quiet and settled yet? 
Well no because I think and feel multiple things constantly and my mind takes work to make quiet. God often uses music, sermons, quotes nature and people to connect with us. So when my mind can’t seem to get quiet He brings a song to sing me to where I need to be to meet with Him. 

Lately I’m learning to trust God more and He’s been helping me with my patience skills. You see, I like to see every piece of the plan before moving forward. Well life doesn’t work that way most days, sad but true. 
I’ve trusted God and have always had a faith in Him. But it’s only recently that I’ve given trust in most if not all areas of my life. Finances and path have always been easy for me to trust in. Relationships and being strong enough to close doors in multiple areas of my life I can be honest and say that I haven’t done that part well.
Insecurities, people pleasing and fear crept into my heart and set up a comfy camp for a good amount of years.

Call it wisdom, call it maturity or just being sick and tired of living the same as you have every time before. But now in this season. I feel God with me more, louder and this time I’m listening. There are things He’s told me loudly to wait for and my heart takes comfort in waiting. But hold up…not even four months ago I’d have the hardest time waiting on something I felt so strongly about. 

The trust is there. The love is there. The comfort is there. The faith is stronger than ever before. And I am no longer in fear. God knows my heart as it is so clearly written. So I have nothing to worry about. My goodness do I finally get it? For real though?. He didn’t forget me. He didn’t leave me. He is with me always. He’s even given me permission to make some waves.

So here is one my loud moments.
Hopefully the first of many.

I refuse to continue to be silent. To live quietly, scared to ruffle feathers, scared to not be liked, in fear that I won’t find love, in fear that I won’t be understood or living in fear of making a mistake. I don’t want to down play the grace that I have been given in the hardest season. I don’t want to be looked at as just some disposable prize that’s not easily caught in men’s eyes. I am a person, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a deep soul. I am not this item to try and mess or play with. Nor have I ever showed you that I’m “easy”.

Faith is important to me. I want someone who doesn’t see my belief in God & wanting to go to church together as something to tolerate but to have someone that embraces that, celebrates & wants it as well. I’m not a hookup. I am NOT disposable. I’m someone to share a life with. Sunday church, BBQs & driving with the radio up. It is part of me that it unchangeable & makes me who I am.
I will always believe the best in people and give more chances than I should but I will not compromise or sacrifice who I am again.

I am a woman of faith. A Christian. I am a leader. A giver. Passionate in caring about people. An LGBTQ ally. A deep soul. An emotional person. A dependable friend. A fluent sarcasm speaker. A musical theater lover in every sense. A traveler. A proud divorcee. A top notch in the car singer. A slight caffeine addict. A finally content with my body curvy girl. A bit of a hippy. A dancing chef. An organized human. I am a barista, a writer but that’s only the beginning. 

This is me. Stronger.
This is me. Closer to my calling.
This is me. Waiting, content and listening.
This is me. One step closer in my walk with God.

Echoes within your heart

“Cause I learn to slam on the break before I even turn the key, before I make the mistake, before I lead with the worst of me. I never let them see the worst of me.” (Dear Evan Hansen) 
I feel an odd and different kind of broken. I guess not so much broken as so very found that I almost feel lost in it.
The easiest way to put it is I now see the gap of difference between someone listening to you and someone hearing you. Listening to respond and listening to hear…listening to know.
The difference of caring and caring for the contents of someone’s heart and well being.

I guess I have a frustration with the fact that so many people don’t care enough to want to know you deeply. The part of you that really matters, the hub of where you operate, the heart and soul that make you…you.

My overly empathetic heart aches for this deep connection. I know I can always grow closer to God and strengthen that relationship and I’ve been investing in friendships. But there’s this longing that sneaks up on me at times, this magnetic pull to be known. That person you dream of to connect with on this amazing level, invest in their personal growth, to love and be loved for all the odd pieces. That person that falls in love with the essence of who you are at your core…your soul.

My heart feels so big that it’s as if even I don’t know where the bottom is…in this area I feel too deep for my own good. I’ve given all of me and been hurt so deeply before, the cuts are healed but the scars remind me to stop before I give too much…or even when I feel myself almost want to because I now stop and wonder if that person even cares enough to hear my heart at its freest movement. 

If you feel “too much” or too deep for your own good raise your hand. *raises two hands* The lyric comes to mind….
“Day after day. Give me clouds and rain and gray. Give me pain if that’s what’s real, it’s the price we pay to feel” 
(Next to normal)

In the Polaroid big picture of my life, I guess I’m still waiting for the answers of why this corner hasn’t developed fully yet. 

I never knew your heart could ache yet not be broken. 
One of my favorite quotes is “Our hearts are our songs“…until that chapter comes, I will let my song play. Let it echo and even ache. 
Rest in a comfort of knowing that God knows every corner of my heart, He knows my song… He knows what I truly need even when I do not. 

My Tried & True – People

This past week I’ve been rather reflective…like you know more than my normal. A lot has happened in the last year and I can’t help but think about the people that have been there for/with me every step. This blog post started as me writing about my favorite tried and true products and things. As I started writing I knew that this would need to be a two part post, one about people and one about things. I’d like to start with the most valuable….people. Please know that I could talk for days about these incredible people but I tried to keep it somewhat to the point…you’re welcome. 😉

My parents will always be strong pillars in my life. Your wisdom, humor, love, guidance, friendship, faith, grace and leadership are all indescribable gifts. I am reminded daily in SO many little moments. To say I’m blessed and grateful is the biggest understatement. I have the faith and relationship because of your influence and that is truly irreplaceable. I love you both infinitely.

Heidi & Darren.
Sunday is my favorite day of the week mostly because I get to recap and also start a new week off with y’all. To be able and share faith, conversation and food together just about weekly means so much to me. You are like part of the family.

Heidi.
My gorgeous lady. Having you in my life has made me grow and be a better person. Your heart for your loved ones and justice, independence, sarcasm, strength, drive, intelligence, giving nature and grace are qualities that continue to inspire me. I am so very blessed to have you as my best friend. Darren. Your work ethic, leadership, humor and heart show content of your character. The way you love my best friend is truly beautiful. I don’t have to simply tolerate my friend’s partner but have a bonus friend and I am grateful for that blessing.

Renee. My beautiful best musical friend. Your feisty nature, love, talent, your care for animals, independence, laugh, unshakeable strength and support I will never take for granted. No matter how life gets I know I can always call you at anytime and that you’ll be there. 

Savannah, Morgan and Abbey.
These three ladies are truly lovely both inside and out. Sometimes it’s about the little things like a call, text, song, a movie, getting tattoos, an Ikea trip, chats while having Chipotle, a random drive around Seattle, nesting apartment nights, singing in the car to show tunes or the finding the only person who understands how long you need to spend in world market. You ladies make me laugh and I love our girl dates. 

All of these people picked me up in my hardest season. In joy and tears, success and brokenness I always know that I can count on them. I would not be who I am without these incredible, loving people. My pack/tribe. I love you all. 

– xx, Kels

28 things in 28 years

28 things I learned in 28 yearsA reflection of life and the years so far

Dear younger self, 
Hello my sunshiny, deep feeling, God and music loving, ever crafting, kind, little dancer. Though it’s winter time and your favorite holiday season, before I know it we will blink and it will be April again. This April will mark 28 years of life for us. My what all we have learned and seen. So for you little Miss Mae here are 28 things we will have learned in 28 years. (In no special order)

1) You can’t make every person happy..and that’s okay. Just focus on making yourself happy and ya know Mom and Dad.

2) You can’t change another person, even if it’s a change that they want to make…a person can only change if they decide to and put in the work.

3) If your ears plug up and stay plugged after two days go to the doctor. It’ll just get worse the longer time passes.

4) Your tonsils are too big…them and their friends need to come out ASAP! (You will be able to truly breathe, sleep better and not get sick as easily with them gone..really it’s a life changer)

5) You get married and separated in the first half of the same year, it shatters you but you will be stronger than you dreamt you could be after. It ends up freeing you in a beautiful way.

6) In time you’ll love the curves you have and not care about each bit of fat.

7) Wood or metal slivers under the skin will always been an enemy.

8) Quicksand against popular 90’s cartoons, don’t really come up as an issue as often you think they will.

9) God’s comfort, peace, grace, protection and presence will never leave you.

10) Music is as important as you believe it is. It heals, moves and lifts.

11) Traveling no matter how close or far is good for the soul. It’s always worth the time and money to explore.

12) It’s okay to not be perfect….in fact it’s much more rewarding, liberating and beautiful to embrace your imperfection.

13) Therapy is beneficial and helpful for everyone for we are all just a bit broken.

14) The theater community is all accepting and supportive. Not all groups of people are like this, not everyone effortlessly accepts others. Heartbreaking but true.

15) Your smile and kindness can make a difference. You have the power to lighten someone’s day with it. So always smile if you can and lead with kindness.

16) People should respect when you say the word “no”. It doesn’t mean there’s wiggle room or that they can push and ask four more times. If this happens a lot with a someone then back away, you’re not a bad person for not being around them anymore.

17) Forgiveness Isn’t a sign of weakness and it doesn’t justify what the other person did. Forgiveness is strength for yourself and a daily decision.

18) Worrying just makes you suffer twice… So don’t over obsess about it.

19) Don’t say anything about anyone unless you would say it to their face…because gossip is toxic and it doesn’t reflect negatively on the other person but on you.

20) Not everyone is the same and that is beautiful. We don’t all think and believe the same. We don’t all walk the same path so don’t compare yourself to others. See the qualities you want for yourself and apply them but don’t compare.

21) Only God can judge. It is not our place to judge others for their choices. Ask questions to understand their point of view and to gain wisdom..but leave the judgement at the door.

22) Don’t continue to wait for the white picket fence chapter… Yes of course we are excited for a husband and possible child and a dog, but don’t miss all of the lovely things on the journey. Honestly this pre-ever after chapter is full of gems.

23) Everyone would benefit from visiting Europe at least once in their lifetime for it is life changing. For you young one, London is your favorite place.

24) Love is an action, not a feeling. It is a daily decision to choose someone. Yes there are moments of electricity but it is mostly a slow burn, a constant hum of truth and trust.

25) You don’t have to over explain or justify your choices or things that you do. You can choose to share, but there doesn’t have to be an urgent pressing need for others to understand every fine detail.

26) Your maternal instinct is a strong useful gift, even though you are not a mother. That intuition is an asset not a burden.

27) Loving something and loving the idea of something are completely different things.

28) You don’t feel “too much”. You are not broken for feeling so deeply and don’t need to be cured of it. Your deep joy and capability for deep emotion is your connection to God and the world. That depth is an incredible gift….even when it overwhelms you.

Walking through the storm

Towards the end of the year we all tend to reflect on our journey as a new chapter is about to begin. 2016 was the hardest year, truly full of every emotion.

Starting of the year as a wife for the very first time, excitement and love began this season of unknown. Little did I know that saying “I do” was the beginning of the end.Everything I knew, everything that he told me, my expectations, my path warped.

I fought through four months of trying everything I could think of. Therapy, couples retreat, prayer, advice, altering myself, giving everything I could. But the lies he spoke and lived ran so very deep.

Once he finally said those words that my heart had found to be true, I felt this whisper. You know like in the movies when time slows down… “How you react and move through this will change him forever, one way or another.” God’s words were there in all the weak moments I had that I could have been damaging or hurtful. Though I know I had a right to react I let God’s grace move through me.

I can say that I never called him names, cursed at him or undercut his character. The month of May I went from survival mode to putting myself on pause. I knew that once I got back into the safe comfort of my family home that I could collapse, fall apart and begin again.

Tiana, my manager during the time I was married was an angel and therapist. My parents, two best friends Renee and Heidi, my sister Julie and Audrey all helped me with the transition back home. They let me talk, feel and they supported me when I needed to lean. Phone calls with an incredible woman Shawnine was the best kind of therapy. Talking with someone that had walked a similar path and was years past on the other side and happy helped me in so many ways. She helped me make the hard decisions to help my healing. I am beyond thankful for these amazing people.

Back home, back at work and around my support system I began to sift through my broken pieces. Working to get my last name back felt like fighting for a piece of my identity. Processing and talking through things, going to a new church, shooting my fancy marriage license to confetti and purging some of my possessions all helped me start to see myself again. Let’s go though them, because I think it’s important.
Processing and talking through things.

This one is logical, simple and short. When you live through something traumatic you need to vocalize your feelings and process through them in order to move forward in a healthy way. Stuffing it down and hiding it only makes it worse. By suppressing unfelt feelings, it saves it for later in life, making it bigger and a lot worse. When you or someone you are close to lives in lies, it pulls them into a shameful deep darkness.
The scariest thing for the person is to bring light and expose that darkness, if only they knew that the key was that simple. Lies, shame, decent and darkness cannot live in the light of transparency. The more light the more healing. Processing was important to make sense of what had happened and begin to make sense of myself. Starting over and choosing who I wanted to be and finding what felt like was truly me.

Shooting my fancy marriage license to confetti and purging some of my possessions. Believe it or not these are one in the same. They both take action and give an exhale-like release. You are taking back your power and control that you felt was taken from you.
Sifting through your things is a lot like life. You choose what to keep in your life space because you need it, love it or feel responsible for it. No possession is worth you holding on it it out of stress, guilt or laziness. Two questions I ask in purging possessions: do I need this? Does this bring me joy?

A new church. Faith is so important to me. Throughout my life God and church have been there. In my mid 20’s I started to see God for myself as I felt His presence in moments here and there. I’ve seen my relationship with God as just that…a relationship. Talking, praying, listening and loving. I try to be a light in the darkness. Be there for friends and even people that I just met, to show by example, to love others without judgement. This year was no different. Through my pain, hurt and brokenness God never left me. I felt Him with me in those quiet moments when I was open. His love and grace are what truly got me through it all. Period.

Yes I got in the trenches and fought daily. I had to choose every day to continue to heal and move forward. To choose to accept His grace. To choose to not take the easy road. To choose to not make a stupid decision that could start a negative or dangerous habit.
Choices: They really do make or break us one way or another.

I learned a valuable lesson in faith this year. To me, an “imperfect” but authentic relationship with God is better than a perceived “perfect” religious check list of deeds emotionlessly completed. I choose to live a life of faith because I have felt and seen it for myself. I am a better version of me with it and would be shattered without it.

Through all of the wreckage that happened, God didn’t just restore me back to who I was before. Though in my deep pain that’s all I wanted, God had something bigger planned. (He always has a bigger and better plan)

God guided me to finding myself. No longer broken and lost….but now found and strong.
With joy and this beautiful new freedom and light to walk in. Thank you to those who walked through this year with me and here’s to the next chapter.

Autumnal beginnings

Fall is my favorite time of the year. The season of rainfall, hot tea, knee high boots, crisp air and gorgeous colored trees. From October to April I’m in love with the transitions into the seasons, the holidays, new beginnings, all of it.
Though there are things I’m still unsure of and some paths I haven’t chosen yet, I am found and complete within myself.

The picture that gets painted isn’t always pretty, light and perfect. I wouldn’t want it to be that way because to be “perfect” it would be lifeless. I have this thought that seems to keep popping up lately and I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t have a deep question to ask. 😉

In past relationships I’ve felt like I had to over explain myself because we were so very different. I thought if I somehow explain more or differently, he will understand me and empathize or even just sympathize.
In small moments the quietness sometimes pushes darkness in and draws the questions. Will I say “I’m a deep feeling, creative extrovert” and not one person will understand the truth depth of it all? It makes me wonder…
“Can you ever be fully known by someone else?”

There are these kicker of moments when I miss feeling safe in someone’s arms, to just be held for a while. In those moments a question will echo, “Will I be known?” Honestly It has been years since I’ve felt that way.
To be truly safe, embraced and understood.
Other than losing my loved ones, my greatest fear is for people to not care enough to understand who I really am deep down. I feel complete in myself and with God but yet I still ache for something.
Whether it be in a partner, a friend or family member, Are we ever fully known by another person?

I feel God’s embrace and the whispers in my heart; You are safe, you are loved, you are understood and the way you are isn’t wrong. God knows my needs and the desires of my heart. I know that there is a big reason of why I feel so deeply. I just have yet to read that chapter I guess.
So here is to the new season full of questions, answers and buckets of joy ahead.

An Ocean Away

“Pain is mandatory, suffering is optional”

He judged me a lot, I wasn’t the by the book Christian. I cuss sometimes and I’m open about my imperfections, but at least I’m real and honest. To me the relationship part of faith is most important, not how perfect you can appear in life or look on paper. I believe in living by example. I don’t preach at people because I know what it feels like.
In April a girl I thought was a close friend told me I needed to stay married, she told me I wasn’t close enough to God and I just need more time in prayer. I was told to process my “frustration” in private. Basically to be silent and accept the lies.

“Happily ever after” was one of the darkest times in my life, to the point where I didn’t recognize the girl in the mirror. The bubbly hopeless romantic girl was gone, my reflection showed a broken girl physically sick from being fed too many lies. I signed up for a contemporary fairytale, but my “knight in shinning armor” up close was a fraud in foil.

“Thought I wasn’t enough and I wasn’t so tough
Laying on the bathroom floor
We were living on a fault line
And I felt the fault was all mine
Couldn’t take it any more
By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn’t gonna let love take me out
That way.” (By the grace of God – Katy Perry)

I share where I’ve been to show you how far I’ve come. To be restored you must first be broken. God says “I loved you at your darkest” (Romans 5:8). I know that to be true. You see just about all my past relationships, I have not felt like I was enough based on their actions. None fought to keep me, making me believe I wasn’t worth fighting for. My marriage wasn’t any different. My self worth shattered because not even my husband thought I was important enough to…you can fill in the blank because I probably thought it.

“If a woman has a choice of saving her soul or saving her marriage she needs to save her soul.” (Glennon Doyle Melton)

One day I woke up and decided I would fight for myself, I would save myself. My life wasn’t over and so I kept living. I placed my heart in God’s hands, only He could hold and repair something so broken. In lonely moments I’d think “I just want a man who I can trust, who embraces all of me.” I felt so desperate for a man to accept me because I couldn’t accept myself. I needed someone to teach me how to love myself again.

If I fought for myself before in my weakness, am I not capable of fighting my own battles?
If I don’t learn to embrace myself I won’t be able to be open to God showing me the love I can have. In a quiet moment I felt God’s embrace and heard Him softly say “I know the desires of your heart, don’t worry about the timing.”

I looked at things all wrong before. I was waiting for my life to begin, waiting for a knight in shinning armor to start our love story. Only God can heal, teach and love as deeply as I need. He wouldn’t have created a heart like mine with such depth and capability if there wasn’t a counter part.

The most important part of that is if he is for me, he must be in a genuine pursuit of God’s heart in order to procure mine.

“Don’t worry about the timing”, I’ve changed the plot. Lord I’m giving this to you which I should have done a long time ago. If I’m blessed with my love story, let it begin in the trenches, where we both are fighting for our own progress and see a teammate in the mud of real life.

He’s an ocean away or a moment away.
Either way I’m here, walking with God and content happy in my own skin…finally.