An apology

I’m sorry. So sorry.

For the times when you were hungry and I didn’t feed you. For those moments when you treat yourself to cake or something unhealthy and feel eyes judging you. When you finish the cake or burger and your heart sinks a bit…when I say why did you do that?

For whispering in your ear “don’t you wish you were the type that could throw up”.

You’ve always been curvy.

I know sometimes when you try on clothes you grab a bigger size, so you can let yourself swim in the fabric and have a small fake victory when you can wear a size smaller.

I’m sorry. So sorry.

For those moments when I see you looking in the mirror and I pick apart everything that’s wrong.

I’m sorry. So sorry.

For those moments when anxiety rips you apart, making negative mountains out of every “failure”.

For taking taking every insecurity that you have and throwing it in your face, kicking the anxiety up a notch to a panic attack.

I’m sorry. So sorry.

For sometimes holding joy away from you.

For those moments when you’ve given all you have and instead of handing you peace or joy, I had you a list of all the things you didn’t do.

For keeping you up at night.

For whispering in your ear when someone is cruel or wrong to you that you must have done something wrong.

I’m sorry. So sorry.

For apologizing over and over to others…while in doing so I’m making you feel smaller and smaller.

For not telling you that you matter more often.

For not giving you time to heal.

For judging you.

For putting everyone else above you.

For not telling you all of your positive qualities more often.

For telling you that the bad things that have happened to you are because you’re not enough.

For not celebrating your victories more.

For not telling you that I love you more.

I’m sorry. So sorry.

I’m sorry self. So sorry.

I will let you be imperfect.

I will let you find joy again and again.

I will treat you better.

I will love you more.

I will celebrate you more.

I will let you speak up more.

I will help you. I will do better.

I will treat you as good as I treat other people.

I will cut you some slack.

I will try and stop picking you apart.

I will remind you to not give a shit about what the world thinks about you.

I will invest and be active in my self care.

And it starts in this letter to myself.

Twenty Nine

I am 29…
I’ve heard people say the standard “years old”, some say “years young” but I heard and love “years bold”. 

Though it might sound cheesy, which it did to me at first it also made me think. We as humans and Americans are so fixed on staying young/looking young. Why are we do we fear getting older? Looking older? Acting older? 

Now that the day celebrating my birth is over I am feeling reflective…no surprise there. 

Why do we want to hide gray hairs and laugh lines? Why are we so stuck on what we used to be able to do verses now? Sometimes I find myself bummed that I can’t dance like I used to… But you know what that was when I danced four days a week how could I stay the same nowadays? Do you know what I do better nowadays instead? I cook better, I sing better (i noticed this in my car in the sunshine today) and you know that’s a better trade in my eyes. 

So instead of freaking out that next year I’m 30 and all the things I wish and wanted to be done by then, I’m going to focus on the things I have done. 

I’ve traveled. I’ve been outside the country and fallen in love with Waterloo. I’ve seen shows on Broadway and stood in times square with my Dad. 

29 years bold. I’m bolder and thank God for that. I’m still a peacemaker but I stand up for myself so much more than before. I speak my mind more freely. I have a lower tolerance for people’s BS. I’m a better listener and a better friend. I’m better at being kindly honest when in the moment, before I would have said something just to please people. I have found that I feel most fulfilled when I’m investing time into others, showing them kindness, love and support.  

I’ve finally stopped picking apart my body with a critical eye in the mirror. Yes things can always look and be better but I’m okay where I am and my health matters more than how I look. I’m so much better at balancing different life tasks and such. Also in that, I’m better at seeing that I’m starting to get unbalanced or run down and need to self care a bit. I’m better at pausing. I’m better at noticing/ figuring out what makes me anxious. I still suck dealing with silence and quiet…but I’m imperfect, so that’s okay:) 

I’m finally happy and peaceful in my current life season. Yes I’m excited for the next chapter but I’m not living just for it, I’m being present and living in this moment. 

So this is me another year older, a bit bolder and fully embracing my smile and laugh lines. 

Something in the water

“Keep your eyes on me. When you’re lost in the dark, when you can’t find your way home. Keep your eyes on me.”– Tim McGraw & Faith Hill

Do you ever walk through your day when all of the sudden you feel like you’ve been hit across face and heart at the same time…but in the best possible way? All the time right?:)

I’ve felt God’s presence and quiet voice lately, as if He’s waiting for me to finally get settled. Much like a parent waiting on their child as they get ready for bed at night. Are you quiet and settled yet? 
Well no because I think and feel multiple things constantly and my mind takes work to make quiet. God often uses music, sermons, quotes nature and people to connect with us. So when my mind can’t seem to get quiet He brings a song to sing me to where I need to be to meet with Him. 

Lately I’m learning to trust God more and He’s been helping me with my patience skills. You see, I like to see every piece of the plan before moving forward. Well life doesn’t work that way most days, sad but true. 
I’ve trusted God and have always had a faith in Him. But it’s only recently that I’ve given trust in most if not all areas of my life. Finances and path have always been easy for me to trust in. Relationships and being strong enough to close doors in multiple areas of my life I can be honest and say that I haven’t done that part well.
Insecurities, people pleasing and fear crept into my heart and set up a comfy camp for a good amount of years.

Call it wisdom, call it maturity or just being sick and tired of living the same as you have every time before. But now in this season. I feel God with me more, louder and this time I’m listening. There are things He’s told me loudly to wait for and my heart takes comfort in waiting. But hold up…not even four months ago I’d have the hardest time waiting on something I felt so strongly about. 

The trust is there. The love is there. The comfort is there. The faith is stronger than ever before. And I am no longer in fear. God knows my heart as it is so clearly written. So I have nothing to worry about. My goodness do I finally get it? For real though?. He didn’t forget me. He didn’t leave me. He is with me always. He’s even given me permission to make some waves.

So here is one my loud moments.
Hopefully the first of many.

I refuse to continue to be silent. To live quietly, scared to ruffle feathers, scared to not be liked, in fear that I won’t find love, in fear that I won’t be understood or living in fear of making a mistake. I don’t want to down play the grace that I have been given in the hardest season. I don’t want to be looked at as just some disposable prize that’s not easily caught in men’s eyes. I am a person, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a deep soul. I am not this item to try and mess or play with. Nor have I ever showed you that I’m “easy”.

Faith is important to me. I want someone who doesn’t see my belief in God & wanting to go to church together as something to tolerate but to have someone that embraces that, celebrates & wants it as well. I’m not a hookup. I am NOT disposable. I’m someone to share a life with. Sunday church, BBQs & driving with the radio up. It is part of me that it unchangeable & makes me who I am.
I will always believe the best in people and give more chances than I should but I will not compromise or sacrifice who I am again.

I am a woman of faith. A Christian. I am a leader. A giver. Passionate in caring about people. An LGBTQ ally. A deep soul. An emotional person. A dependable friend. A fluent sarcasm speaker. A musical theater lover in every sense. A traveler. A proud divorcee. A top notch in the car singer. A slight caffeine addict. A finally content with my body curvy girl. A bit of a hippy. A dancing chef. An organized human. I am a barista, a writer but that’s only the beginning. 

This is me. Stronger.
This is me. Closer to my calling.
This is me. Waiting, content and listening.
This is me. One step closer in my walk with God.

Echoes within your heart

“Cause I learn to slam on the break before I even turn the key, before I make the mistake, before I lead with the worst of me. I never let them see the worst of me.” (Dear Evan Hansen) 
I feel an odd and different kind of broken. I guess not so much broken as so very found that I almost feel lost in it.
The easiest way to put it is I now see the gap of difference between someone listening to you and someone hearing you. Listening to respond and listening to hear…listening to know.
The difference of caring and caring for the contents of someone’s heart and well being.

I guess I have a frustration with the fact that so many people don’t care enough to want to know you deeply. The part of you that really matters, the hub of where you operate, the heart and soul that make you…you.

My overly empathetic heart aches for this deep connection. I know I can always grow closer to God and strengthen that relationship and I’ve been investing in friendships. But there’s this longing that sneaks up on me at times, this magnetic pull to be known. That person you dream of to connect with on this amazing level, invest in their personal growth, to love and be loved for all the odd pieces. That person that falls in love with the essence of who you are at your core…your soul.

My heart feels so big that it’s as if even I don’t know where the bottom is…in this area I feel too deep for my own good. I’ve given all of me and been hurt so deeply before, the cuts are healed but the scars remind me to stop before I give too much…or even when I feel myself almost want to because I now stop and wonder if that person even cares enough to hear my heart at its freest movement. 

If you feel “too much” or too deep for your own good raise your hand. *raises two hands* The lyric comes to mind….
“Day after day. Give me clouds and rain and gray. Give me pain if that’s what’s real, it’s the price we pay to feel” 
(Next to normal)

In the Polaroid big picture of my life, I guess I’m still waiting for the answers of why this corner hasn’t developed fully yet. 

I never knew your heart could ache yet not be broken. 
One of my favorite quotes is “Our hearts are our songs“…until that chapter comes, I will let my song play. Let it echo and even ache. 
Rest in a comfort of knowing that God knows every corner of my heart, He knows my song… He knows what I truly need even when I do not. 

28 things in 28 years

28 things I learned in 28 yearsA reflection of life and the years so far

Dear younger self, 
Hello my sunshiny, deep feeling, God and music loving, ever crafting, kind, little dancer. Though it’s winter time and your favorite holiday season, before I know it we will blink and it will be April again. This April will mark 28 years of life for us. My what all we have learned and seen. So for you little Miss Mae here are 28 things we will have learned in 28 years. (In no special order)

1) You can’t make every person happy..and that’s okay. Just focus on making yourself happy and ya know Mom and Dad.

2) You can’t change another person, even if it’s a change that they want to make…a person can only change if they decide to and put in the work.

3) If your ears plug up and stay plugged after two days go to the doctor. It’ll just get worse the longer time passes.

4) Your tonsils are too big…them and their friends need to come out ASAP! (You will be able to truly breathe, sleep better and not get sick as easily with them gone..really it’s a life changer)

5) You get married and separated in the first half of the same year, it shatters you but you will be stronger than you dreamt you could be after. It ends up freeing you in a beautiful way.

6) In time you’ll love the curves you have and not care about each bit of fat.

7) Wood or metal slivers under the skin will always been an enemy.

8) Quicksand against popular 90’s cartoons, don’t really come up as an issue as often you think they will.

9) God’s comfort, peace, grace, protection and presence will never leave you.

10) Music is as important as you believe it is. It heals, moves and lifts.

11) Traveling no matter how close or far is good for the soul. It’s always worth the time and money to explore.

12) It’s okay to not be perfect….in fact it’s much more rewarding, liberating and beautiful to embrace your imperfection.

13) Therapy is beneficial and helpful for everyone for we are all just a bit broken.

14) The theater community is all accepting and supportive. Not all groups of people are like this, not everyone effortlessly accepts others. Heartbreaking but true.

15) Your smile and kindness can make a difference. You have the power to lighten someone’s day with it. So always smile if you can and lead with kindness.

16) People should respect when you say the word “no”. It doesn’t mean there’s wiggle room or that they can push and ask four more times. If this happens a lot with a someone then back away, you’re not a bad person for not being around them anymore.

17) Forgiveness Isn’t a sign of weakness and it doesn’t justify what the other person did. Forgiveness is strength for yourself and a daily decision.

18) Worrying just makes you suffer twice… So don’t over obsess about it.

19) Don’t say anything about anyone unless you would say it to their face…because gossip is toxic and it doesn’t reflect negatively on the other person but on you.

20) Not everyone is the same and that is beautiful. We don’t all think and believe the same. We don’t all walk the same path so don’t compare yourself to others. See the qualities you want for yourself and apply them but don’t compare.

21) Only God can judge. It is not our place to judge others for their choices. Ask questions to understand their point of view and to gain wisdom..but leave the judgement at the door.

22) Don’t continue to wait for the white picket fence chapter… Yes of course we are excited for a husband and possible child and a dog, but don’t miss all of the lovely things on the journey. Honestly this pre-ever after chapter is full of gems.

23) Everyone would benefit from visiting Europe at least once in their lifetime for it is life changing. For you young one, London is your favorite place.

24) Love is an action, not a feeling. It is a daily decision to choose someone. Yes there are moments of electricity but it is mostly a slow burn, a constant hum of truth and trust.

25) You don’t have to over explain or justify your choices or things that you do. You can choose to share, but there doesn’t have to be an urgent pressing need for others to understand every fine detail.

26) Your maternal instinct is a strong useful gift, even though you are not a mother. That intuition is an asset not a burden.

27) Loving something and loving the idea of something are completely different things.

28) You don’t feel “too much”. You are not broken for feeling so deeply and don’t need to be cured of it. Your deep joy and capability for deep emotion is your connection to God and the world. That depth is an incredible gift….even when it overwhelms you.

Behind my ink

Behind my ink
Stories from a tattoo collector

I always love reading and learning about the meaning behind people’s tattoos so I thought I’d take the time to share mine.

Leg art

Harry Potter quote
Like most people my age Harry Potter made me fall in love with books and reading. Something that all my favorite books have in common is the use of the word “always”.
“Stay with me? Always”, “maybe ‘okay’ will be our ‘always’.”. Since Harry Potter started my love….. “after all this time? Always”. Oh and the three little stars are a different take on the trio of stars at the corner of every page.

Comedy & tragedy
 I am a HUGE theater fan and nerd. I love seeing and being in musicals. The hum of the audience, the tuning in the pit, anticipation waiting in the wings. Musicals touch my heart in a way that nothing else has. This is my theater piece. The clock cogs represent the musical wicked, which if you have seen the show you will know why from the beautiful set design. The words “Next to Normal” curved above is the title of an incredible show that means a great deal to me. These two are my top favorite shows.

Back art

Treble clef/Cross
This was my second tattoo. I call it my Daddy tattoo. It represents my Dad and our bond over our deep love of music. Also to represent my love for God, my Heavenly Father.

Bass clef
It serves as a reminder to always stay true to who I am, that no matter what I walk through that I can come out the other side so much stronger than before and still singing.

Arm art

Lady bugs
“When I was a little girl, I used to run around in the fields all day, trying unsuccessfully to catch ladybugs. Finally I would get tired and lay down for a nap. When I awoke, I’d find ladybugs walking all over me.” – Under the Tuscan Sun
Let happiness come to you. Fun fact my mom and sister have the same tattoo as well. 🐞

He > I
This is a small reminder that God is in control. His plan is bigger and greater than my own. He is greater than I.

Dreams vs fears
This tattoo is a small wink to the non-profit “To write love on her arms”. But to also remind me that my dreams will always be bigger than my fears.
The artist said we should add gray into the white ink due to my pale skin tone, however it didn’t distribute well and was only in a few letters. I didn’t like how it healed so I got it touched up in nude ink and I really enjoy how it turned out.

(To Write Love on Her Arms is an American non-profit organization which aims to present hope for people struggling with addiction, depression, self-injury and thoughts of suicide while also investing directly into treatment and recovery.)

Waterloo
In 2014 I traveled outside of the US for the first time and spent a week in London, England. I fell completely in love with the city, architecture and the general European culture. It took me a year to settle on what tattoo I wanted to represent my new found wanderlust and passion for the gem of the U.K. I found this beautiful font and decided on getting my favorite place specifically. I have to say it is one of my favorites. I completely adore it.

Pink rose
Symbolic of gratitude, appreciation and grace. After this year those words really spoke to me. I not only loved the meaning behind pink roses, I thought it tied very nicely into also wanting to have a classy Disney tattoo. So here’s my little piece of Belle. (This ones still healing and I’m in love with it)

An Ocean Away

“Pain is mandatory, suffering is optional”

He judged me a lot, I wasn’t the by the book Christian. I cuss sometimes and I’m open about my imperfections, but at least I’m real and honest. To me the relationship part of faith is most important, not how perfect you can appear in life or look on paper. I believe in living by example. I don’t preach at people because I know what it feels like.
In April a girl I thought was a close friend told me I needed to stay married, she told me I wasn’t close enough to God and I just need more time in prayer. I was told to process my “frustration” in private. Basically to be silent and accept the lies.

“Happily ever after” was one of the darkest times in my life, to the point where I didn’t recognize the girl in the mirror. The bubbly hopeless romantic girl was gone, my reflection showed a broken girl physically sick from being fed too many lies. I signed up for a contemporary fairytale, but my “knight in shinning armor” up close was a fraud in foil.

“Thought I wasn’t enough and I wasn’t so tough
Laying on the bathroom floor
We were living on a fault line
And I felt the fault was all mine
Couldn’t take it any more
By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn’t gonna let love take me out
That way.” (By the grace of God – Katy Perry)

I share where I’ve been to show you how far I’ve come. To be restored you must first be broken. God says “I loved you at your darkest” (Romans 5:8). I know that to be true. You see just about all my past relationships, I have not felt like I was enough based on their actions. None fought to keep me, making me believe I wasn’t worth fighting for. My marriage wasn’t any different. My self worth shattered because not even my husband thought I was important enough to…you can fill in the blank because I probably thought it.

“If a woman has a choice of saving her soul or saving her marriage she needs to save her soul.” (Glennon Doyle Melton)

One day I woke up and decided I would fight for myself, I would save myself. My life wasn’t over and so I kept living. I placed my heart in God’s hands, only He could hold and repair something so broken. In lonely moments I’d think “I just want a man who I can trust, who embraces all of me.” I felt so desperate for a man to accept me because I couldn’t accept myself. I needed someone to teach me how to love myself again.

If I fought for myself before in my weakness, am I not capable of fighting my own battles?
If I don’t learn to embrace myself I won’t be able to be open to God showing me the love I can have. In a quiet moment I felt God’s embrace and heard Him softly say “I know the desires of your heart, don’t worry about the timing.”

I looked at things all wrong before. I was waiting for my life to begin, waiting for a knight in shinning armor to start our love story. Only God can heal, teach and love as deeply as I need. He wouldn’t have created a heart like mine with such depth and capability if there wasn’t a counter part.

The most important part of that is if he is for me, he must be in a genuine pursuit of God’s heart in order to procure mine.

“Don’t worry about the timing”, I’ve changed the plot. Lord I’m giving this to you which I should have done a long time ago. If I’m blessed with my love story, let it begin in the trenches, where we both are fighting for our own progress and see a teammate in the mud of real life.

He’s an ocean away or a moment away.
Either way I’m here, walking with God and content happy in my own skin…finally.

Finding my way back to myself

“Let me tell you what I wish I’d known when I was young and dreamed of glory: You have no control: who lives, who dies, who tells your story. I know that we can win. I know that greatness lies in you but remember from here on in. History has it’s eyes on you.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda

If you spoke to me during or just after my separation/divorce, I want to say “thank you”. You unknowingly gave me strength to keep my head above the waves. God’s love and the love of others got me through. I’m always grateful when I’m reminded the blessing that is unending grace.

When something bad happens to us the last thing we want to do is slowly sift through the pain of what happened. As I mindfully process and sift through not only the first half of this year, but the past two years I can separate what beliefs are my own. I’ve had to purge myself of his beliefs, goals, judgement, cheating, lying and whispers of negativity. I had to slowly walk through light at the end of all darkness that had crept into my life.

I find myself asking “do I think/believe this because I do or because someone else did or told me to?”. Sometimes it’s a simple answer….. others not so much. I am finding that quick moments of reflection and self inventory are moments of small but great blessing. As a fairly laid back person I normally go with the flow happily. Currently I’m finding that taking control of some things in my life is giving me much needed liberation.

At the tender transitional age of 27 I finally know who I am and what I believe. If you have the time I’d like to share with you.
I love and believe in God.
I will not judge or preach at you for that’s not my place, that doesn’t change my desire for you to know His love and wish you’d be sitting with me in church.
I believe in leading by example, from faith to work ethic.
People have hurt me, but it will still continue to believe the best in everyone.
I’m imperfect and human, I am 100% okay with that.
I’m a creative person, it is how I express and function.
Ever since I was a little girl I’ve loved music and movies, that won’t change.
Having my own career doesn’t matter to me, I’ve tried to make it but it’s never been my calling.
People are my passion and life experiences mean more to me than a job.
The job I pick is to make money to facilitate my true desires and my calling.
I was created to let others know that they are not alone.
I was created to support and love on people.
I was created to stand in the gap for others.
I was created to be a wife and mother one day.
I was created to explore.
I was created to create.

While I was writing this, music in the background I felt a familiar wash over me. I had felt it a few times in my life. I have been broken before, tears flooding and called out to God to wrap me in His arms. I confess in those moments I didn’t magically feel wrapped in a blanket. No, I kept praying and pushed through the moment of pain. I believe that’s when God is strengthening our relationship and I place my trust in Him.

I need to share this with you because my heart is overflowing I simply can’t hold it in. While writing about what really matters to me, writing what I know I’m meant to do to explore, to create. I saw a vision I guess you’d call it. I closed my eyes pausing between thoughts and exhaled. I saw myself in a new place laughing and having a look around. The most important part was I felt this wash of pure and complete joy. Like only one feeling I’ve ever known. On top of that amazing feeling, I felt fully embraced as if someone came up behind me hugging and holding me. I placed my left hand across onto my shoulder and rested. Tears lightly followed and I rested.
A strong and peaceful voice:
“I am always with you.”
“You are doing good.”

The air blowing in through my window is a cool but thick air. The kind of warm summers day rain scent as the drops glide off of the evergreens. That forest, hot pavement, rain coming and going smell. My favorite scent in the world.
Dear ones, I truly believe that a new chapter has just now began.

The Ocean Within

This ones more like a journal entry.
So this is me a bit blunt and rather vulnerable.
Why am I sharing then? Because I desire to be understood.
Because my heart lightly aches at the thought of not sharing this.

In my life I’ve always seen myself as the sidekick, girl next door. I’m not the chick that gets flirted with, I’m the best friend that takes care of you. Funny and cute yes…stop you in your tracks because your breath has been taken..not so much. I’m not the flaunt and brag about it type.

Honestly…I do not see myself as strikingly beautiful. I don’t say this hoping that people in my life start pouring out compliments. Don’t make the mistake thinking that all this is for attention of my outward appearance.
You see, as a mostly grown woman I’m working on seeing myself as the leading lady. Not just because someone told me that I should,
but because I believe that I am. Yeah, It’ll take some time.

There are gorgeous women that you may pass on the street (I like to call them the Haley Berry’s of the world) their beauty is insantly noticable. I feel that my true beauty shines when you draw closer, it’s subtle as if it was sneaking up on you. You could see a bit closer is the depth of brown and other colors that dance in my eyes, the fullness and faint redness of my lips, the untamed curl in my bangs, the kindness leaking through my smile and cheeks.

I know my inner beauty, my worth is deep and wide. My heart, my spirit, the vulnerable completely exposed authentic me. That’s where I hold my value.
People on the outside don’t see the ocean that dwells within.

The question friends is this “would that be enough?”
You could easily and quickly say yes. Yet in the world that we live in today,
having a big heart isn’t enough for most people.
Some days I don’t want to play “the game” and wish that others could magically see the contents of a persons heart. That it would be as easy to see as the color in their hair. They could see if it was full, weak, broken, light, defeated or incredibly beautiful.

How differently would we treat each other if we could see them like that,
If we could see the inner contents of their heart?
Would we give them a break if they spoke heatedly towards us?
Would we give them space?
Would we embrace them because we would know they needed it?
Would we give them another chance or walk away faster?
Would we take a moment to notice, to truly see them fully?
And would that be enough?

From my heart to yours

Life Unedited – Part Two

In all seasons of life there is the ability to learn and grow.
So here’s what I’m learning unedited and honest.

Here is in list form some things that I find really important. If you are in an open place, I feel this pull my heart to share a few lessons I’ve learned that I really want you to know.

Music is powerful for it touches everyone.
God always loves you and talking to Him is not because He needs it, it’s a therapy session for you.
Guarding your heart is really actually as important as people say.
don’t say yes when you really mean no.
Saying no for no other reason than because you yourself don’t feel like it in any scenario is plenty reason enough.
Mistakes may break you in the moment, but they will make you stronger and wiser. So don’t be SO hard on yourself.
You don’t have to fake liking those kind of movies, parties or music.
YOU are good enough, so just be authentically unapologetically you.
Please don’t care too much of what people think…I did for way too long.
There will be a transition where the things that make you different are encouraged and desired.
The person that is toughest on you, is you. So cut yourself some slack.
Yes making people happy is wonderful, just don’t do it at the over expense of you.
There is someone that will love you for who you are, completely in all your flaws.
Balance being a giver with being a little selfish.
Yes sometimes you have to just put on your big girl panties, suck it up and just push through it. When you do, kick some serious butt while you’re at it.
Work hard, because it pays off in the end.
If you feel a twinge that the something that you are doing is wrong, honor that because it’s probably not the right thing for you in the moment and stopping said thing is a good idea.
Your intuition and your limits are some things you need to respect.
Invest in yourself like you would a friend, because you matter.
God made you. He took time to carefully create all the pieces of you, don’t ever think that you aren’t important or wanted.
You are here for a reason.
And dear one, you are SO loved.