Forever Calling

This time four years ago, I set off on a adventure that changed me forever.

With one of my oldest friends by my side, we began the journey to England.

This trip held a lot of firsts for me.

First trip without someone in family, first time out of the country and first time relying on myself to navigate…well my friend for the directions most of the time to be honest.

I owe a good amount to my friend for she ignited the love of travel in me. I learned so much from her. I remember looking at her as we switched tube lines, her fearlessness and confidence were matching shinning lights from within. I wish I thanked her more throughout the trip. I think my younger self was overwhelmed with taking it all in.

Our flat in Cartwright Gardens, London.

What a small charming place! Our flat was tiny but made me fall in love with minimalism, realizing what I really needed and that excess weighed me down.

People zoom by with things to do yet without stress, others sit at a cafe pausing to catch up with someone they know. It’s all of the simple complexities of how they live life. Traveling through the streets of London, I felt an independence like I never had before….it’s like my soul felt free.

Four years… and I still miss it.

Waterloo captured my heart like no other place and I pray that I’ll get to walk through it’s streets again.

May Favorites

Favorite drink(s)
*Iced thai tea with vanilla & a little cream
*Iced dirty chai

Favorite product
I’m loving a hair product this month. Not your mother’s – Beach babe texturizing sea salt spray.
For my naturally wavy yet fine hair this works fantastically and I am able to get away most days without using heat on my hair now:)

Audible pick of the month
I just started listening to
Big magic by Elizabeth Gilbert

Favorite app this month
“She reads truth” (thank you Miss Georgia for introducing me to it)
I love this app because it has reading plans and is a great tool in personal growth.

Favorite outing/moment(s)
Seaside, OR.
I went back to my childhood summer safe place. Walking along the beach at dusk with my special someone was perfection. As the salty breeze passed by, the waves crash and feeling the sand between my toes I am always reminded of how big God is. I love it. I adored laughing while playing games in the evening. Getting to just relax, walk, laugh, talk and just unplug for a while was lovely.
My second favorite moment was my new tattoo. Other than just being beautiful it represents honor & compassion,(the peony flower) wholeness & balance.(the mandela) Coloring & shading will be added at a later date. 

Favorite album(s) & song(s)
Times are hard for dreamers & when the booth goes bright – Amelie the musical
The cure – Lady Gaga
Do it again & fullness – Elevation worship
Believer – Imagine Dragons
Slow hands – Niall Horan
The dirty dancing (remake) soundtrack
The new Pentatonix album

Favorite quote/lyrics
“Your promise still stands.
Great is Your faithfulness, faithfulness.
I’m still in Your hands.
This is my confidence,
You’ve never failed me yet”
Do it again – Elevation Worship

Favorite bible verse
(4) “Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud (5) or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. (6) It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. (7) Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

13 Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.”

– 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 & 13:13

Card decks, music & memories

“Card decks, music and memories”
California 2017 – Part Two

For two months my brother and I managed to keep my visit a secret from my grandparents. So when I walked up to a spontaneous lunch they did a fantastic double take.

My favorite part of the whole trip was sitting at my grandparents place with my brother, all of us sitting down playing cards.
Without talk of it, we left our phones in the other room and spent about two hours laughing together. Each a bit competitive we lightly bantered back and forth. As I sat drinking sweet tea I found myself wrapped in a familiar hazelnut and coffee scent, much like my Grandma’s favorite candle from when I was growing up.

Sitting there brought me such joy and comfort because it reminded me of the summers our family would spend at Seaside, OR. Summers where my Grandparents taught us how to play poker and when I fell in love with the taste of coffee.

But this time there was something different than those summers from years ago. My Grandparents joked and laughed with a new kind of freedom that that I hadn’t seen close to in decades. That was beautiful to see.

I was so thankful to get to share the weekend with my brother and grandparents. One thing I know for sure is that I will keep these memories made this weekend close to my heart. Ryan I can’t thank you enough for this fantastic weekend. For the card decks, music and memories. I’m left with the reminder of the blessing it is to have you as my brother. 

“You’ve never failed me yet.”
Sunday morning church was filled with just a perfect peace in worship. The pastor was preaching about “how’s your soul?”. Here are my thoughts from that.

I always thrive when I am living as transparently as possible and am around others that live in the same authentically. For me life is not about seeming or being perfect, it’s about being honest and living in a truthful in compassionate way.

Now more than ever I find myself wishing that more people spent less time judging the outside exterior of others. It’s not just about judging by looks but also the shell of protection that people tend to use.

I wish we were all more concerned about what’s inside someone’s heart and soul. The person they are at the core, before they had to become tough because the world is a harsh place at best.

I know we are imperfect people but I wish there was more grace and a lot less judgement. From the person standing in line next to you at the store to the people you love, we tend to judge the external without even blinking.

“Love and understanding, positivity.”
I guess I’m more of a hippy than I thought in wanting the cheesy world peace. So how’s your soul? Are you still searching and seeking for more and more?

With there always being something to want in this world, how can we remind ourselves to pause and lock into the people we are with and around? How can we do a compassionate hard reset?

“Enough doesn’t exist, enough is the perception of what you already have.”

World Of Color

“World of color”
California 2017 – Part One

“Laughter is timeless, imagination has no age, dreams are forever.”
– Walt Disney

I can’t believe time passed so quickly since the start of this year. I made a spontaneous decision to buy a ticket and the time came for me to take a short two hour and some change flight to spend a weekend with my big brother. My view from seat 21A changes from lush green trees and clouds, to the tan desert with it’s smog tinted blue skies. With a smooth landing from a pilot of 20 years, my warm magic filled weekend began.

Things I will always enjoy:
I always feel like this strong independent lady when I travel.
The airport. Full of possibilities, people and hustle.
Seeing fluffy white cotton clouds as they remind me how good God is. Big, loving and covering us all. God is so very creative and I love those moments when I get to pause and look at the fine details.

Disneyland with my big brother
As a night owl it takes a bit to get me up early in the morning but as 6:30am rolled around and I woke up with my childlike heart ready for what the day held. We had one day and two parks on our minds, we were ready. Within the first hour we had accomplished four big rides and with that the day’s pace and heat picked up. 

I already knew throughout my experience on this earth that heat is not my friend. My body was just not ready to switch from 44 degree Washington State rain to 94 desert “dry” heat. My mom calls it “wilting”, yes friends in the heat I am a fragile little flower. What saved me you might ask? Well my 28 year old self just needed shade, rest, chicken nuggets (ya know big kid protein) and a cute little juice box and boom cured!!

From rides to food, parades, characters to water shows, It was so fun and interesting to see all the changes since the last time I was there and little 10 year old me was skipping from ride to ride. Though the heat got the best of me a few times, we had a blast laughing through the California screamin’ roller coster (three times) and our 15 hour Disney day ended at the “world of color” water show and then “In-n-out” burger.
I was felt so blessed to get to spend the day being a kid again with my brother.

28 things in 28 years

28 things I learned in 28 yearsA reflection of life and the years so far

Dear younger self, 
Hello my sunshiny, deep feeling, God and music loving, ever crafting, kind, little dancer. Though it’s winter time and your favorite holiday season, before I know it we will blink and it will be April again. This April will mark 28 years of life for us. My what all we have learned and seen. So for you little Miss Mae here are 28 things we will have learned in 28 years. (In no special order)

1) You can’t make every person happy..and that’s okay. Just focus on making yourself happy and ya know Mom and Dad.

2) You can’t change another person, even if it’s a change that they want to make…a person can only change if they decide to and put in the work.

3) If your ears plug up and stay plugged after two days go to the doctor. It’ll just get worse the longer time passes.

4) Your tonsils are too big…them and their friends need to come out ASAP! (You will be able to truly breathe, sleep better and not get sick as easily with them gone..really it’s a life changer)

5) You get married and separated in the first half of the same year, it shatters you but you will be stronger than you dreamt you could be after. It ends up freeing you in a beautiful way.

6) In time you’ll love the curves you have and not care about each bit of fat.

7) Wood or metal slivers under the skin will always been an enemy.

8) Quicksand against popular 90’s cartoons, don’t really come up as an issue as often you think they will.

9) God’s comfort, peace, grace, protection and presence will never leave you.

10) Music is as important as you believe it is. It heals, moves and lifts.

11) Traveling no matter how close or far is good for the soul. It’s always worth the time and money to explore.

12) It’s okay to not be perfect….in fact it’s much more rewarding, liberating and beautiful to embrace your imperfection.

13) Therapy is beneficial and helpful for everyone for we are all just a bit broken.

14) The theater community is all accepting and supportive. Not all groups of people are like this, not everyone effortlessly accepts others. Heartbreaking but true.

15) Your smile and kindness can make a difference. You have the power to lighten someone’s day with it. So always smile if you can and lead with kindness.

16) People should respect when you say the word “no”. It doesn’t mean there’s wiggle room or that they can push and ask four more times. If this happens a lot with a someone then back away, you’re not a bad person for not being around them anymore.

17) Forgiveness Isn’t a sign of weakness and it doesn’t justify what the other person did. Forgiveness is strength for yourself and a daily decision.

18) Worrying just makes you suffer twice… So don’t over obsess about it.

19) Don’t say anything about anyone unless you would say it to their face…because gossip is toxic and it doesn’t reflect negatively on the other person but on you.

20) Not everyone is the same and that is beautiful. We don’t all think and believe the same. We don’t all walk the same path so don’t compare yourself to others. See the qualities you want for yourself and apply them but don’t compare.

21) Only God can judge. It is not our place to judge others for their choices. Ask questions to understand their point of view and to gain wisdom..but leave the judgement at the door.

22) Don’t continue to wait for the white picket fence chapter… Yes of course we are excited for a husband and possible child and a dog, but don’t miss all of the lovely things on the journey. Honestly this pre-ever after chapter is full of gems.

23) Everyone would benefit from visiting Europe at least once in their lifetime for it is life changing. For you young one, London is your favorite place.

24) Love is an action, not a feeling. It is a daily decision to choose someone. Yes there are moments of electricity but it is mostly a slow burn, a constant hum of truth and trust.

25) You don’t have to over explain or justify your choices or things that you do. You can choose to share, but there doesn’t have to be an urgent pressing need for others to understand every fine detail.

26) Your maternal instinct is a strong useful gift, even though you are not a mother. That intuition is an asset not a burden.

27) Loving something and loving the idea of something are completely different things.

28) You don’t feel “too much”. You are not broken for feeling so deeply and don’t need to be cured of it. Your deep joy and capability for deep emotion is your connection to God and the world. That depth is an incredible gift….even when it overwhelms you.

History has it’s eyes on you

New York City – Part Three

I recently got to check a place off of my bucket list. I will be sharing a three part series about our ultimate Daddy Daughter date in New York City.

Our day started with coffee and tea, with a sense of adventure we headed for the nearest subway. A quick swipe of a newly purchased metro card, we moved through the turnstile and headed towards the subway platform. After a few stops heading north, we switched trains to get us in the right direction and before you know it we reached the end of the southern 1 train line.

We took our time walking around Battery Park. We were where the history of New York began and there was such rich history around us throughout this day. We walked up through the financial district and almost stumbled across Trinity Church and Cemetery. We walked through and stood by the resting Alexander, Eliza and Phillip Hamilton. Tears met my eyes knowing their stories, their love and pain. On a small side note if you haven’t listened to the Hamilton album I HIGHLY recommend it, it’s my favorite musical that I have yet to see.

A few more blocks and we arrived at ground zero.
A week and a few days shy from the 15th anniversary of 9/11, we walked past the names of so many people. People with lives, loved ones, dreams that headed to just another day at work. As my hands touched names carved into the outskirts of where one of the buildings once stood so tall, they thought it was going to be just a “normal” day. I was twelve years old and wouldn’t be able to understand the true impact of what had happened, now fifteen years later I properly understand. We both saw it and it stopped us cold, when my eyes met my Father’s we both couldn’t hold it back. We didn’t need to speak for we knew exactly what and how the other felt as we both looked at a “happy birthday” balloon and white rose tucked into one of the names. It broke my heart. The family’s remember when we all forget, they live on with different sized pieces of themselves missing. Just a day in September working and thinking about when the weekend will come.

I’ve got to say I was surprised when we sat in JFK and I saw all of the tablet and phone charging stations. We got some food at “Brklyn beer garden” and it was the most detached from people I felt the whole trip. Tablets to order and the only humans serving were the people carrying out the food. With games and internet on the tablets as well, lord help us if we have to talk to a person. I was raised in my teens with the internet but even this was too much for me.
Since when did we get to a point that we want to update our social media so much that we opt out of the social interactions we are already given?
But then again here I sit after lunch writing with headphones detached as well.
What we miss we won’t know.

As I listen to The life of the party by Shawn Mendes some thoughts dance a bit in my brain. Whenever I travel I feel in control yet not at all in an odd way. You are in control of your plans but only to a certain extent, which I love because it’s a very unique type of freedom. With a city full of people, things to see, history to remember it makes you think “How will I be remembered?” What will I or you be known for?
People always ask me what I want to do with my life, they assume it must be more than making drinks at a coffee shop thirty minutes outside of the city. It always sends a trigger reminding me of something a friend of mine said a few years ago “spend as much time with your parents and family as you possibly can.” I never dreamt of a big career, I dreamt of a family and Sunday afternoons after church laughing and spending time together. I can promise you my friend that when I get to the end of my days I won’t think of the promotion I didn’t get or that I never went to that one place.
I promised myself a long time ago that I wouldn’t regret not spending enough time with the people that I love, the ones that matter most. Which is why I didn’t want to take this trip and share it with anyone else. I can say yeah we didn’t bike through Central Park or see more shows while in New York, but I loved sharing every minute with my Dad.

Stage Door Dreams

New York City – Part Two

I recently got to check a place off of my bucket list. I will be sharing a three part series about our ultimate Daddy Daughter date in New York City.

stage door
noun
*An actors’ and workers’ entrance from the street to the area of a theater behind the stage.
*To stagedoor, is to go to the “stage door” of a theatre and meet the actors after a show (a play, or a musical).

There are 38 theaters on Broadway and 11 were within two blocks of our hotel. As a musical theater nerd I loved how the community supports and embraces thespians and their crafts. It made my heart so happy to see a theater at just about every turn. Here theater was as well know and as supported as a football team would be. It made me feel proud to be a community theater actor, it also stirred up the desire to audition and be a part of another show.

I love the energy of this huge city. This bright lights, buzzing sounds and constant movement. Even with my extrovert nature there is a point when I was happy to recharge for an hour or so out of the city. It never took too long before I wanted to be back out there swimming in it’s sea of people.

The imperial theater is intimate and as the run coming to a close in two days, everyone in the theater was excited for it to begin. The set of Broadway’s Les Misérables is amazing with it’s fine details as it tappers off as it merges with the theater walls and seats. The distressed wood, the aged scrim, the barricade. The costumes were amazing and every actor exceptional. It was over two hours of goosebumps, tears and joy. You felt everything that the characters felt, it broke you, healed you and made you think. Just complexly and simply incredible. You could knock me over with a feather after meeting John Owen-Jones at the stage door. In 1998 he was the youngest person ever to play the role of Jean Valjean at the age of 26, now 18 years later he continues the role with new wisdom adding new layers to the character. The cast that I saw and the show itself was probably the best show I’ve ever seen. (And I’ve seen a good amount)

A bright purple carpet replaced the traditional red leading the way into the New Amsterdam Theater. A beautiful theater built in 1903, the New Amsterdam is one of the oldest Broadway venues. Peacocks trace the outline above the bright orange multicolored curtain. The cast of Aladdin dazzles, giving infectious joy and laughter to the audience. James Monroe Ingelhart and Adam Jacobs completely blew me away with their talent and charisma. They have been playing the Genie and Aladdin eight shows a week for over two years on broadway. Seeing a disney movie that I watched all during my childhood as a broadway musical was unlike anything I’ve experienced before and with that disney expectation it doesn’t disappoint. When you’ve admired someone’s work and meet them in real life it poses a small risk with how the could handle the situation. At the stage door both James Monroe Ingelhart and Adam Jacobs were SO kind and humble as they slowly made their way down the line signing programs and taking pictures with the 50 people waiting. They too their time, chatted with people and were in no rush. I respect the heck out of them for the devotion they had and thankfulness they showed us. Meeting James was my theater highlight of the trip.

We left both shows with large smiles and songs in the air. There is nothing like seeing or being a part of a show. From the stirring sounds of the crowd to the tuning of the orchestra, the applause of the audience to a standing ovation at the curtain call. What a creative, beautiful, accepting and incredible community. I’m always proud to be a part of it.

Bright lights in the big city

New York City – Part One

I recently got to check a place off of my bucket list.  I will be sharing a three part series about our ultimate Daddy Daughter date in New York City.

An hour drive to Seatac airport, a five hour flight, an hour waiting for a shuttle, a ride similar to the Harry Potter nightbus and we had made it to Manhattan. The city is always awake and moving. We started our trip in Times Square at 11pm in a Scottish pub and our adventure had begun.

My first time at a “Pret a manger” was two years ago in London. Honestly it had slipped my mind since, until I was walking on 45th street just past Broadway. I love the values it stands for natural food and organic coffee. As a barista I can say that it is 100% the best chai I’ve ever had. (Both dirty and regular) Pret is a lovely way to start the day and was a daily staple in our trip.

For $32 you can travel up 69 floors in 43 seconds, walk up one flight of stairs to the top of Rockefeller center, which was first on our list of things to do. The views are priceless, from Central Park to the Empire State building to St Patrick’s cathedral. When you’re up that high and see this amazing city it makes you grateful of the hard work others did so long ago to create that iconic skyline.

My Dad pointed out St Patrick’s Cathedral from the Top of the Rock and just like that we were headed that way. If you can get a New Yorker to stop they are all nice and helpful with directions.

I had never been to a Catholic Church before. While walking from NBC studios it was almost like the streets and buildings cleared as we approached. I was not prepared for it’s breathtaking beauty. It’s not just about the intense intricate detail of the architecture, it’s so much more. It’s the deep respectful faith that fills the air, the stain glass, the grand organ. While listening to a lovely blessed singer, I let my fingers gently brush the pews as I walked by. I felt a fullness in my heart and a few tears found my eyes, I felt that familiar embrace, I very strongly felt God with me. I’ve never felt God so strongly in a church before, like loving grand arms wrapped around my shoulders embracing me. Even I have a hard time describing the whole experience, I’ll go with something simple, complete and pure love.

While walking back to the millennium hotel we were baptized by the New York skies. Now being raised in Washington State I’m used to the rain, but this was like November Seattle rain. It was sunny one minute and in a blink we were soaked to the bone, we had to laugh because of the intensity.
Safely back at the hotel we had some down time and ended up watching Erin Brockovich. Later on after the rain stopped and we got dry again we thought Dos Caminos sounded like a great idea. The waitress was funny and lovely, the food was awesome. We highly recommend the:
SALTED CARAMEL TRES LECHES CAKE
(caramel cake, vanilla pudding, caramel crunch, fresh raspberries)
Yeah….I could go for some of that right about now.

After dinner we made our way over to the heart of Times Square. At one end of the square there are these red riser-like steps that encourage “people watching” while you have a short break and I will tell you there are many interesting people to see. All cultures come together in this ever changing and moving sea. Wandering through the city you hear many different languages as families and people weave in and out passing through each other. Busy people in busy streets full of as many possibilities as it’s bright lights.

Wanderlust

Wanderlust
[[noun]]

1. a strong, innate desire to rove or travelabout.

I have a deep love for the airport.
Though most would disagree with me and my belief in its beauty, they’d probably see it for its stress inducing less than pretty side.

I see the great hustle and bustle. The excitement and all the possibilities it holds. It’s magical if you think about it. About an hour car drive for me and I arrive at a place with the ability to send me anywhere in the world.

Where are we headed this time?
Who is “we”?

“We” are my hero, the best man I know, the one I can always count and depend on….my Dad.

Where are we heading to?
New York City darling!!

Two years in the making. We have planned, we have researched, we have both never been and there’s no one in the world that I’d rather experience this new city with. As theater nerds we will be seeing two musicals on Broadway, generally exploring the city and checking off as many bucket list things as possible.

Don’t worry my friends, I will be doing all of the things for documenting for sharing when I get back home to the PNW.

Until then….
I’m in a New York State of mind.

Finding my way back to myself

“Let me tell you what I wish I’d known when I was young and dreamed of glory: You have no control: who lives, who dies, who tells your story. I know that we can win. I know that greatness lies in you but remember from here on in. History has it’s eyes on you.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda

If you spoke to me during or just after my separation/divorce, I want to say “thank you”. You unknowingly gave me strength to keep my head above the waves. God’s love and the love of others got me through. I’m always grateful when I’m reminded the blessing that is unending grace.

When something bad happens to us the last thing we want to do is slowly sift through the pain of what happened. As I mindfully process and sift through not only the first half of this year, but the past two years I can separate what beliefs are my own. I’ve had to purge myself of his beliefs, goals, judgement, cheating, lying and whispers of negativity. I had to slowly walk through light at the end of all darkness that had crept into my life.

I find myself asking “do I think/believe this because I do or because someone else did or told me to?”. Sometimes it’s a simple answer….. others not so much. I am finding that quick moments of reflection and self inventory are moments of small but great blessing. As a fairly laid back person I normally go with the flow happily. Currently I’m finding that taking control of some things in my life is giving me much needed liberation.

At the tender transitional age of 27 I finally know who I am and what I believe. If you have the time I’d like to share with you.
I love and believe in God.
I will not judge or preach at you for that’s not my place, that doesn’t change my desire for you to know His love and wish you’d be sitting with me in church.
I believe in leading by example, from faith to work ethic.
People have hurt me, but it will still continue to believe the best in everyone.
I’m imperfect and human, I am 100% okay with that.
I’m a creative person, it is how I express and function.
Ever since I was a little girl I’ve loved music and movies, that won’t change.
Having my own career doesn’t matter to me, I’ve tried to make it but it’s never been my calling.
People are my passion and life experiences mean more to me than a job.
The job I pick is to make money to facilitate my true desires and my calling.
I was created to let others know that they are not alone.
I was created to support and love on people.
I was created to stand in the gap for others.
I was created to be a wife and mother one day.
I was created to explore.
I was created to create.

While I was writing this, music in the background I felt a familiar wash over me. I had felt it a few times in my life. I have been broken before, tears flooding and called out to God to wrap me in His arms. I confess in those moments I didn’t magically feel wrapped in a blanket. No, I kept praying and pushed through the moment of pain. I believe that’s when God is strengthening our relationship and I place my trust in Him.

I need to share this with you because my heart is overflowing I simply can’t hold it in. While writing about what really matters to me, writing what I know I’m meant to do to explore, to create. I saw a vision I guess you’d call it. I closed my eyes pausing between thoughts and exhaled. I saw myself in a new place laughing and having a look around. The most important part was I felt this wash of pure and complete joy. Like only one feeling I’ve ever known. On top of that amazing feeling, I felt fully embraced as if someone came up behind me hugging and holding me. I placed my left hand across onto my shoulder and rested. Tears lightly followed and I rested.
A strong and peaceful voice:
“I am always with you.”
“You are doing good.”

The air blowing in through my window is a cool but thick air. The kind of warm summers day rain scent as the drops glide off of the evergreens. That forest, hot pavement, rain coming and going smell. My favorite scent in the world.
Dear ones, I truly believe that a new chapter has just now began.